IRFU Announce Beamish Sponsorship Deal

Irish rugby has received a welcome boost today after the IRFU announced details of a new sponsorship deal with Beamish stout.

   A Beamish spokesperson stated that the drinks company is reviving their classic ‘Consistency in a World Gone Mad Campaign’ in conjunction with the IRFU.

    “Irish rugby, like a pint of Beamish, is a model of consistency,” they stated. “While other teams swing wildly between success and failure we get knocked out in the quarter-finals every time. You can’t put a price on that type of dependability.”

   The IRFU welcomed the partnership and stated that Beamish would now be the official energy drink for the Irish squad in an “innovative rugby-stout synergy.”

   New head coach Andy Farrell said that having an alcoholic energy drink, high in hops and barley, could give his players an extra edge as they look to recapture the form that saw them rise to number one in the world rankings.

     “Consistency is something every coach aims for and I believe Beamish can help us achieve our goals. We’ll be giving each player a six pack before training sessions,” said Farrell “and we hope it’ll allow them unlock their creativity and embrace a looser running game.”

     Fans have speculated that the Irish team was already on the Beamish during last Saturday’s defeat to New Zealand, a claim both the IRFU and the drinks company deny.

Local rugby enthusiast to RTE: Less Coleman, more Eimear-nator

Local rugby enthusiast Brian Boar has written to RTE, registering his shock that the national broadcaster ran an advert for Spar starring Ireland soccer captain Seamus Coleman.

     “I mean, it’s the Rugby World Cup,” fumed Boar, “while I appreciate that Coleman is making the healthy choice buying the apple, it’s no place for him or any of the soccer lads.”

       Despite the advert airing on a day when no matches were taking place, Boar felt that the underlying message was RTE again treating rugby as a second-class game.

     “It’s no wonder they’ve lost the Six Nations, when that’s their attitude,” he said.

        The average rugby fan, Boar believed, would much rather see what filling Johnny Sexton chose for his roll or if the Eimear-nator was continuing to get the better of Tommy Bowe and the lads playing video games.

       “The Eimear-nator has become part of our national psyche,” stated Boar, “and we need her and her like to will us to glory. Seamus fucking Coleman, and I’ve nothing against him personally, is only diluting the message.”

     “She really is a legend,” he continued, “the lads, and these are three of the greats we’re talking about here, didn’t even realise she was in the same room as them. That’s some ninja level shit.”

      Boar, who has yet to hear back from RTE, stated that he will continue to write every day until Coleman is pulled from the airwaves.

Local Councillor jumps on rugby bandwagon, displays racist side

Local Councillor Willie Ryder has become embroiled in a racism controversy after throwing his weight behind Ireland’s Rugby World Cup campaign.

    Ryder, who is heavily involved in the local GAA club, is not known for his oval ball expertise, but was spotted donning an Irish rugby jersey as he left a council meeting.

    “Let’s get behind Joe Shit and the boys.” he told Down the Town News, “If Johnny Sexman can get a few more touchdowns we could be going all the way.”

     Ryder, who has previously expressed his love for Liverpool FC, Irish boxing, Conor McGregor and the New England Patriots, is also believed to have ordered a rugby ball from O’Neill’s Sports Shop.

      The Councillor stated that if the team won the World Cup he would “personally table a motion for them to be granted the freedom of the town.”

      “It looks like it’s set for us to meet those black bastards in the quarter finals,” he said “and we all know how fast they can run, but I’ve full faith in Joe and the lads.”

When asked to clarify if he was referring to the New Zealand All Blacks, Ryder looked confused before responding “Blacks in general are just smug bastards. We need to keep Ireland for the Irish. I hope we smash them.”

         Ryder is in his third and, now likely, final term as councillor.