Irish rugby has received a welcome boost today after the
IRFU announced details of a new sponsorship deal with Beamish stout.
spokesperson stated that the drinks company is reviving their classic
‘Consistency in a World Gone Mad Campaign’ in conjunction with the IRFU.
“Irish rugby, like
a pint of Beamish, is a model of consistency,” they stated. “While other teams
swing wildly between success and failure we get knocked out in the
quarter-finals every time. You can’t put a price on that type of
The IRFU welcomed
the partnership and stated that Beamish would now be the official energy drink
for the Irish squad in an “innovative rugby-stout synergy.”
New head coach Andy
Farrell said that having an alcoholic energy drink, high in hops and barley,
could give his players an extra edge as they look to recapture the form that
saw them rise to number one in the world rankings.
something every coach aims for and I believe Beamish can help us achieve our
goals. We’ll be giving each player a six pack before training sessions,” said
Farrell “and we hope it’ll allow them unlock their creativity and embrace a
looser running game.”
Fans have speculated
that the Irish team was already on the Beamish during last Saturday’s defeat to
New Zealand, a claim both the IRFU and the drinks company deny.
Local rugby enthusiast Brian Boar has written to RTE,
registering his shock that the national broadcaster ran an advert for Spar
starring Ireland soccer captain Seamus Coleman.
“I mean, it’s the
Rugby World Cup,” fumed Boar, “while I appreciate that Coleman is making the
healthy choice buying the apple, it’s no place for him or any of the soccer
Despite the advert airing on a day when no matches were taking place, Boar felt that the underlying message was RTE again treating rugby as a second-class game.
“It’s no wonder
they’ve lost the Six Nations, when that’s their attitude,” he said.
rugby fan, Boar believed, would much rather see what filling Johnny Sexton
chose for his roll or if the Eimear-nator was continuing to get the better of
Tommy Bowe and the lads playing video games.
Eimear-nator has become part of our national psyche,” stated Boar, “and we need
her and her like to will us to glory. Seamus fucking Coleman, and I’ve nothing
against him personally, is only diluting the message.”
“She really is a legend,” he continued, “the lads, and these are three of the greats we’re talking about here, didn’t even realise she was in the same room as them. That’s some ninja level shit.”
Boar, who has
yet to hear back from RTE, stated that he will continue to write every day
until Coleman is pulled from the airwaves.
Local Councillor Willie Ryder has become embroiled in a
racism controversy after throwing his weight behind Ireland’s Rugby World Cup
Ryder, who is
heavily involved in the local GAA club, is not known for his oval ball
expertise, but was spotted donning an Irish rugby jersey as he left a council
“Let’s get behind
Joe Shit and the boys.” he told Down the Town News, “If Johnny Sexman can get a
few more touchdowns we could be going all the way.”
Ryder, who has
previously expressed his love for Liverpool FC, Irish boxing, Conor McGregor
and the New England Patriots, is also believed to have ordered a rugby ball
from O’Neill’s Sports Shop.
stated that if the team won the World Cup he would “personally table a motion
for them to be granted the freedom of the town.”
“It looks like
it’s set for us to meet those black bastards in the quarter finals,” he said
“and we all know how fast they can run, but I’ve full faith in Joe and the
When asked to clarify if he was referring to the New Zealand
All Blacks, Ryder looked confused before responding “Blacks in general are just
smug bastards. We need to keep Ireland for the Irish. I hope we smash them.”
Ryder is in
his third and, now likely, final term as councillor.