Satirical Irish News
The investigation into Financial Fair Play breaches by Manchester City has concluded, with ten points to be awarded to the English champions.
A Premier League spokesperson stated that the points would be awarded effective immediately and apologised for any inconvenience the investigation caused the Abu Dhabi owned club.
Continue reading “Premier League to award ten points to Manchester City”
Russian government officials are to take on the running of the Premier League’s Video Assistant Referee (VAR) system from next season.
VAR, which was designed to eliminate controversy from the game, has only added an extra layer of incompetence to proceedings. But it seems the Premier League has found a solution.
Continue reading “Russian Officials to take over running of Premier League VAR”
Cristiano Ronaldo shocked the football world today by agreeing a return to Manchester United, twelve years after leaving Old Trafford for Real Madrid.
Ronaldo had been widely expected to sign for Manchester City, but the lure of lining up alongside the likes of Phil Jones and Scott McTominay proved too much for the Portuguese star.
Continue reading “Ronaldo to Manchester United – The Inside Story”
Premier league leaders Liverpool have tweeted confirmation that they are claiming victory in the current season, despite only seven games being played.
“We have claimed, for championship purposes, the Premier League season,” said the club’s official Twitter account. “The table shows a BIG Liverpool lead.”
Continue reading “Liverpool tweet Premier League victory claims”
As Liverpool fans around the world celebrate the club’s first league title in 30 years, one local supporter is already planning months ahead.
Jordan Arnold (43), told DTTN that he plans on being “completely insufferable to that fucking crowd of United fans next door.”
Continue reading “Local Liverpool fan plans on being insufferable for months”
Manchester City boss Pep Guardiola has even more reasons to smile after last night’s 5-0 demolition of Burnley.
The Spaniard told reporters that the atmosphere for the game, which was played behind closed doors, was the best he had ever experienced at The Etihad Stadium.
Continue reading “Guardiola hails ‘best ever’ Etihad atmosphere”
As Covid-19 continues to cause massive surges in death and unemployment, DTTN is pleased to report some much needed good news.
The Professional Footballer’s Association (PFA) has announced that effective immediately all Premier League players are to receive a 30% pay increase.
The increase comes a week after the PFA criticised attempts to cut player salaries due to the strain the loss of income tax would place on NHS funding.
Continue reading “Premier League players to receive 30% pay increase to boost NHS”
Local man Jimmy Power has raised heckles down the pub after claiming that he could have played in the Premier League if he’d had “the same training as the professional lads.”
Power (25), who played as a goal-scoring winger up to U-16 level for his school team, made the claim as he watched two Premier League sides battle to a dour scoreless draw on the telly.
“Just give me the training,” stated Power, who had consumed several pints of stout, “And I’ll bang the goals in.”
Continue reading “Local Man could have been Premier League Star if he’d had the training”