Healy-Raes to open series of Speakeasies

The Healy-Rae dynasty have had enough of the NPHET strangling the life out of rural pubs and are taking action by opening a series of 1920’s style speakeasies around Kilgarvan.

“Rural Ireland, and especially Kerry, should not suffer because them Dublin Jackeens can’t stop coughing on each other,” said Danny Healy-Rae. “We want our pints and we want them now.”

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Local Publican disgusted at lack of Garda corruption

A local publican has expressed his disgust at the vigilance of Gardai enforcing public health guidelines around Covid-19.

Timmy Turnbull, owner of The Flying Keg, told DTTN that he had previously considered the Gardai as friends of his establishment.

“The guards have always been good to us. They’d turn a blind eye to the odd bit of drink-driving, and even joined in some of our legendary lock-ins. This Covid situation has changed them.”

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Exclusive: Covid-19 disappointed at lack of traditional Irish welcome

In an exclusive sit down interview with DTTN infamous virus Covid-19 has lashed out at the people of Ireland for the lack of welcome it’s received since hitting our shores several months ago.

“Flu and cold told me that Ireland was the land of the céad míle fáilte, but all I’ve had is door after door slammed in my face. The Irish have been so rude and unwelcoming. It’s almost as if they don’t want me here.”

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Local Man could have been Premier League Star if he’d had the training

Local man Jimmy Power has raised heckles down the pub after claiming that he could have played in the Premier League if he’d had “the same training as the professional lads.”

     Power (25), who played as a goal-scoring winger up to U-16 level for his school team, made the claim as he watched two Premier League sides battle to a dour scoreless draw on the telly.

      “Just give me the training,” stated Power, who had consumed several pints of stout, “And I’ll bang the goals in.”

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Local GAA Star barred from nightclub after ‘fair shoulder’ on woman

Local GAA Star Micky McMichael was in disgrace last night after being barred from Chancers nightclub following a physical altercation with a young woman.

    McMichael (22) was partying with friends in the local hotspot, displaying the legendary discipline that saw the local team lose in the first round of the championship again this year.

    “It was my round.” said McMichael “The place was jammers and there was only one lad serving. The queue was two or three deep, and I was bursting for a slash.”

    Displaying a level of fortitude previously unseen by most observers, McMichael stuck it out for ten minutes, before spotting an opening to the left of the bar area.

      “The spot was mine, but as I went to nip in, your wan appeared from nowhere and made a dash for it.”

     Showing more aggression than he has all season, McMichael braced himself, and stepped into his opponent with what he termed “a fair shoulder.”

      The contact sent the young woman sprawling, face-first into Chancer’s famously sticky carpet. McMichael showed no contrition, as he stepped forward waving a fifty euro note to secure his drinks order.

       The young woman suffered severe facial bruising, but is expected to make a full recovery.

     Despite being barred from Chancers for life McMichael remained unrepentant.

“It’s not my fault she hadn’t planted her leading foot,” he insisted. “I’m just pissed off I didn’t get to drink the pint I’d paid for.”