A local priest is
awaiting his penance after drunkenly horsing into the communion host on Sunday
Fr. Seamus Cleary had gone to watch the big match at the local pub, with the intention of having a couple of glasses of stout.
Continue reading “Local priest horses into communion host after feed of pints”
An Garda Siochana are licking their lips in anticipation
with the proposed roll out of variable speed limits on the M50.
The speed limits, which will be adjusted for road incidents
and weather, will be fully operational by early 2023.
Continue reading “Gardai anticipating cash bonanza with M50 variable speed limit”
Gardai have commandeered raided sheebens for much needed
stress relief as they continue to enforce Level 5 restrictions.
The illegal pubs, which have been popping up around the
country, will now serve as makeshift Garda Social Clubs.
Continue reading “Gardai using raided sheebens for stress relief”
Wet pubs re-opened today, with punters finally enjoying a
few pints without the accompaniment of a substantial meal.
However, publicans have expressed dismay at a NPHET edict
that all drinks must be consumed through disposable plastic straws.
Continue reading “All drinks in wet pubs must be consumed through straws”
The Healy-Rae dynasty have had enough of the NPHET
strangling the life out of rural pubs and are taking action by opening a series
of 1920’s style speakeasies around Kilgarvan.
“Rural Ireland, and especially Kerry, should not suffer
because them Dublin Jackeens can’t stop coughing on each other,” said Danny
Healy-Rae. “We want our pints and we want them now.”
Continue reading “Healy-Raes to open series of Speakeasies”
A local publican has expressed his disgust at the vigilance
of Gardai enforcing public health guidelines around Covid-19.
Timmy Turnbull, owner of The Flying Keg, told
DTTN that he had previously considered
the Gardai as friends of his establishment.
“The guards have always been good to us. They’d turn a blind
eye to the odd bit of drink-driving, and even joined in some of our legendary
lock-ins. This Covid situation has changed them.”
Continue reading “Local Publican disgusted at lack of Garda corruption”
A local man has blamed his recent weight gain on government guidelines requiring drinkers to consume a €9 meal during each visit.
Seamie O’Shea (35), who just loves pints, has been booking
up to five slots a day across local hostelries.
Continue reading “Local drinker piling on the pounds with five €9 meals a day”
In an exclusive sit down interview with
DTTN infamous virus Covid-19 has lashed out at the people of
Ireland for the lack of welcome it’s received since hitting our shores several months
“Flu and cold told me that Ireland was the land of the céad
míle fáilte, but all I’ve had is door after door slammed in my face. The Irish
have been so rude and unwelcoming. It’s almost as if they don’t want me here.”
Continue reading “Exclusive: Covid-19 disappointed at lack of traditional Irish welcome”
Local man Jimmy Power has raised heckles down the pub after claiming that he could have played in the Premier League if he’d had “the same training as the professional lads.”
Power (25), who
played as a goal-scoring winger up to U-16 level for his school team, made the
claim as he watched two Premier League sides battle to a dour scoreless draw on
“Just give me
the training,” stated Power, who had consumed several pints of stout, “And I’ll
bang the goals in.”
Continue reading “Local Man could have been Premier League Star if he’d had the training”
Local GAA Star Micky McMichael was in disgrace last night after being barred from Chancers nightclub following a physical altercation with a young woman.
McMichael (22) was
partying with friends in the local hotspot, displaying the legendary discipline
that saw the local team lose in the first round of the championship again this
“It was my round.”
said McMichael “The place was jammers and there was only one lad serving. The
queue was two or three deep, and I was bursting for a slash.”
Displaying a level
of fortitude previously unseen by most observers, McMichael stuck it out for
ten minutes, before spotting an opening to the left of the bar area.
“The spot was
mine, but as I went to nip in, your wan appeared from nowhere and made a dash
aggression than he has all season, McMichael braced himself, and stepped into
his opponent with what he termed “a fair shoulder.”
The contact sent the young woman sprawling, face-first into Chancer’s famously sticky carpet. McMichael showed no contrition, as he stepped forward waving a fifty euro note to secure his drinks order.
The young woman
suffered severe facial bruising, but is expected to make a full recovery.
Despite being barred from Chancers for life McMichael remained unrepentant.
“It’s not my fault she hadn’t planted her leading foot,” he
insisted. “I’m just pissed off I didn’t get to drink the pint I’d paid for.”