Satirical Irish News
A local shopkeeper has been lauded after refusing to serve a strange man he’d never seen before.
Alfie O’Donovan, who has run Alfie’s corner shop since 1982, was left shaken after a mysterious man entered his premises looking to purchase a box of Marlboro Gold.
“This is a local shop for local people,” said O’Donovan. “I know all my customers, from Mrs. O’Reilly and her clementine obsession to Mr. Hayes who buys ten packs of Polo Mints a day. This lad, well, he just wasn’t local.
Gardai in Bantry, Ballinasloe and Terenure are today bravely taking to the cutting edge of fashion and trialling baseball caps instead of the traditional Garda peaked cap.
Should the trial prove successful baseball caps will be rolled out to Gardai across the country, however DTTN understands this is just the beginning of what Garda insiders are calling a ‘hipster’ makeover.
Continue reading “Baseball hats just the start for Garda ‘hipster’ makeover”
Minister for Climate Eamon Ryan remains in Dubai at COP28, but this has not stopped the Green leader from making waves with another controversial proposal.
“Minister McEntee and the Gardai are desperately under-resourced,” Ryan told DTTN. “Recruiting more guards will take time, but there is a solution that can be implemented immediately – wolves and lots of them.”
Continue reading “Eamon Ryan calls for wolves to be deployed on Dublin streets”
An Garda Siochana are licking their lips in anticipation with the proposed roll out of variable speed limits on the M50.
The speed limits, which will be adjusted for road incidents and weather, will be fully operational by early 2023.
Continue reading “Gardai anticipating cash bonanza with M50 variable speed limit”
A local character has been arrested by Gardai after a prank filmed for his YouTube channel backfired.
Teddy O’Toole (47) was spotted driving very slowly up and down past the Garda station drinking a four pack of Guinness 0.0 and filming himself with his phone.
Continue reading “Local character arrested after alcohol free Guinness prank backfires”
An Garda Siochana have announced a crackdown on illicit church gatherings and masses.
The move follows a controversial weekend raid on a Westmeath church, where 60 rosary beaded outlaws were dispatched back to their homes.
Continue reading “Gardai announce zero tolerance crackdown on church gatherings”
A cross-section of the lockdown protesters who stormed Dublin at the weekend have been invited to join NPHET.
Many of the protestors, who believe that lockdowns during a pandemic and vaccines are a violation of their human rights, have been offered the positions in lieu of jail time.
Continue reading “Lockdown protesters invited to join NPHET”
Gardai have launched an investigation into the behaviour of local birds, following numerous complaints from residents.
It is believed that the birds have been congregating in the gardens of private residential areas in large numbers – a direct contravention of Level 5 government guidelines.
Continue reading “Local Gardai investigating repeated lockdown breaches by birds”
Gardai have shut down a local supermarket after it was found to have sold non-essential stationary to a minor.
Dinny’s Superstore, which has been a Main Street institution for 40 years, will remain closed until the ending of Level 5 restrictions after selling a HB pencil to a ten year old girl.
Continue reading “Local Supermarket shut for selling ‘non-essential’ pencil”
Gardai have commandeered raided sheebens for much needed stress relief as they continue to enforce Level 5 restrictions.
The illegal pubs, which have been popping up around the country, will now serve as makeshift Garda Social Clubs.
Continue reading “Gardai using raided sheebens for stress relief”