Satirical Irish News
An Garda Siochana have announced a crackdown on illicit church gatherings and masses.
The move follows a controversial weekend raid on a Westmeath church, where 60 rosary beaded outlaws were dispatched back to their homes.
Continue reading “Gardai announce zero tolerance crackdown on church gatherings”
NPHET has called for Easter eggs to be pulled from supermarket shelves with immediate effect.
“During lockdown many subjects have been comfort eating to excess,” said Dr. Ronan Glynn. “The wide availability of high-sugar, high-fat Easter eggs adds to the temptations for the weak, greedy people of Ireland.
Continue reading “NPHET calls for Easter Egg ban”
Idiots around the country are blaming the government after coming to the shocking realisation that vaccinations aren’t a miracle silver bullet.
“With the vaccines getting rolled out I thought I could just pop round to my buddy’s house for a few drinks. I never thought I’d test positive,” said one idiot. “I wouldn’t get the vaccine personally; they cause autism and rabies, but I still should have been protected.”
Continue reading “Idiots outraged as vaccine doesn’t offer complete freedom”
An Taoiseach Micheal Martin has praised the country after it was revealed that Ireland has the highest daily Covid-19 rate in the world.
The figures, which were confirmed earlier this week, put Ireland ahead of even confirmed basket case nations such as post-Brexit Britain and the patriotic USA.
Continue reading “Martin praises world leader Ireland”The year in review with DTTN’s resident film critic Dion Hegarty.
2020 was without doubt the most boring year in the history of mankind – the equivalent of a never ending Christopher Nolan film.
Continue reading “2020 – If Christopher Nolan did years”
Covid was the most popular baby name of 2020 so far, the Central Statistics Office (CSO) has revealed.
Beating out competition from 2019 winners, Jack and Emily, Covid is now the number one name for new born boys and girls in Ireland.
Continue reading “Baby Names 2020: Covid rampages to top spot”
Not content with bringing the country to a screeching halt, Covid-19 now has its eyes set on an inter-county GAA call up.
The virus told DTTN that it has been “training hard” since Level 5 restrictions were announced in the hope of being picked for a county panel.
Continue reading “Covid-19 training hard in hope of inter-county call up”
US retailers have reported a sharp increase in sales of bleach and fire arms in the wake of Donald Trump’s positive Covid-19 diagnosis.
Thousands of Trump supporters are stocking up in the hope of warding off the evil Chinese virus.
Continue reading “Spike in gun and bleach sales following Trump Covid diagnosis”
Roy Keane has called out Covid-19, accusing it of being a sloppy pandemic.
The former Ireland and Manchester United captain launched his broadside as Sky Sports debated Covid’s impact on the Premier League.
Continue reading “Keane – Covid is a sloppy pandemic”
As schools around the country resume classes, the NPHET has issued new guidelines around the removal of the letter R from textbooks.
“Our children’s safety is paramount during this pandemic,” stated Acting Chief Medical Officer Dr. Ronan Glynn. “They are growing up in a time when the letter R is associated with the Covid-19 Reproduction Rate.”
Continue reading “Letter R to be removed from all school textbooks”