Films with Dion Hegarty -Tenet

You couldn’t make it up. The first screening I get back to a cinema for and they send me to a fucking Christopher Nolan film.

Why the fuck does he insist on making everything so complicated? Memento; a man who loses his memory every 20 seconds, Batman; a rich man who thinks he’s a bat, Inception; fuck knows and Dunkirk; some makey-uppy shit about a war that never happened.

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Films with Dion Hegarty – Shaun the Sheep: Farmageddon

The latest contender to become cinema’s next great action hero has arrived, and he’s an animated sheep.

    Shaun the Sheep: Farmageddon is a high-octane supernatural thriller with Shaun battling evil alien forces to save his farm armed only with a fleece and a wry sense of humour.

    At least that’s what it looked like from the trailer. I had to leave my screening as it was full of screaming children mashing popcorn into the seats and each other. I’ve nothing against children, besides the noise and their general presence, but I’m astounded that this hard-boiled sci-fi epic is considered suitable entertainment.

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Films with Dion Hegarty – Frozen 2

I’ve never seen Frozen because I’m not a six year old girl. I am, however, a professional, and as research I downloaded the original to see what I was in for.

    It’s this fairy tale shite about two sisters who have a falling out. One becomes Queen and the other storms out in a huff. There’s no fight scene and neither appears to have any martial arts training.

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Films with Dion Hegarty – The Irishman

People point at films like Taxi Driver, Raging Bull and Goodfellas and say that Martin Scorsese is a great director. They’re wrong.

    If Scorsese is such a visionary auteur why has he never worked with the greatest actor of our time? Why has he never cast Arnie? Sure, De Niro and Pacino have their moments, but they’ve never delivered a performance as seminal as The Austrian Oak did as Colonel John Matrix in Commando.

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Films with Dion Hegarty – Judy

I’ll be honest with you here, I have no idea who Judy Garland is. Wikipedia tells me that she starred in something called The Wizard of Oz, which features a young girl, a lion, a scarecrow, some manner of tin contraption and a dog.

   From what I can tell it’s a prototype Avengers style romp where a group of misfits track down and dispatch the wizard, who has stolen their superpowers.

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Films with Dion Hegarty – Joker

They’re all wetting their pants about Joker. The ‘film of the year’, five stars across the board, Golden Lion and all. Well, they’re wrong. It’s not even funny.

If you’re going to do a film about a clown you’d better throw in a few jokes; a few zingy one liners like Arnie delivered as Colonel John Matrix in the seminal Commando. But no, not a bean.

   Instead we get Joaquin Phoenix moping around, doing depressing shit and living his depressing life. How can a man who works as a clown be so miserable?

   The film tries to be deep and moves away from all the homoerotic spandex you usually get with these superhero things. You wouldn’t ever see John Matrix in spandex. He was a real man.

     At least with other superhero films you get some big explosions at the end and some cool action sequences where all the good lads in spandex finally defeated the bad lads in spandex.

       Not in Joker though. In Joker there’s a scene where Phoenix shoots a gun a few times, and another later one where he gets it out again. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. It’s not even big. It’s the kind of gun Matrix would laugh at then snap in half.

   In short: too much moping, not enough shooting.