You couldn’t make it up. The first screening I get back to a cinema for and they send me to a fucking Christopher Nolan film.
Why the fuck does he insist on making everything so complicated? Memento; a man who loses his memory
every 20 seconds, Batman; a rich man
who thinks he’s a bat, Inception;
fuck knows and Dunkirk; some makey-uppy
shit about a war that never happened.
The latest contender to become cinema’s next great action
hero has arrived, and he’s an animated sheep.
Shaun the Sheep: Farmageddon is a
high-octane supernatural thriller with Shaun battling evil alien forces to save
his farm armed only with a fleece and a wry sense of humour.
At least that’s
what it looked like from the trailer. I had to leave my screening as it was
full of screaming children mashing popcorn into the seats and each other. I’ve
nothing against children, besides the noise and their general presence, but I’m
astounded that this hard-boiled sci-fi epic is considered suitable
People point at films like Taxi Driver, Raging Bull and Goodfellas
and say that Martin Scorsese is a great director. They’re wrong.
If Scorsese is
such a visionary auteur why has he never worked with the greatest actor of our
time? Why has he never cast Arnie? Sure, De Niro and Pacino have their moments,
but they’ve never delivered a performance as seminal as The Austrian Oak did as
Colonel John Matrix in Commando.
I’ll be honest with you here, I have no idea who Judy
Garland is. Wikipedia tells me that she starred in something called The Wizard of Oz, which features a young
girl, a lion, a scarecrow, some manner of tin contraption and a dog.
From what I can
tell it’s a prototype Avengers style romp where a group of misfits track down
and dispatch the wizard, who has stolen their superpowers.
They’re all wetting their pants about Joker. The ‘film of the year’, five stars across the board, Golden Lion and all. Well, they’re wrong. It’s not even funny.
If you’re going to do a film about a clown you’d better
throw in a few jokes; a few zingy one liners like Arnie delivered as Colonel
John Matrix in the seminal Commando. But
no, not a bean.
Instead we get
Joaquin Phoenix moping around, doing depressing shit and living his depressing
life. How can a man who works as a clown be so miserable?
The film tries to
be deep and moves away from all the homoerotic spandex you usually get with
these superhero things. You wouldn’t ever see John Matrix in spandex. He was a
At least with
other superhero films you get some big explosions at the end and some cool
action sequences where all the good lads in spandex finally defeated the bad
lads in spandex.
Not in Joker though. In Joker there’s a scene where Phoenix shoots a gun a few times, and another later one where he gets it out again. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. It’s not even big. It’s the kind of gun Matrix would laugh at then snap in half.