British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is somehow still clinging
to power despite doing more dodgy shit than every character from The Sopranos combined
Johnson is facing overwhelming public condemnation for multiple
lockdown breaching Downing Street parties. And in a stunning statement the PM
has turned the tables by launching a scathing attack on his critics.
Beloved TV character Peppa Pig is to be sold to the UK government
so her parents can afford social care.
The move comes on the back of controversial changes
announced by the Department of Health and Social Care, putting a cap of £86k on
lifetime care costs, meaning that the UK’s poorest pensioners could pay the
same as the wealthiest.
UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s Brexit strategy may seem
lacking in clarity, but inside sources reveal that the Etonian shape shifter
has a very definite plan.
“The PM is big on mood boards,” said a Downing Street
insider. “His approach to the EU will depend on the day’s colour. Green means
charming bumbler, while purple is no more bendy bananas you sausage munching
Fresh from his recent public address,
professional fantasist Dominic Cummings’ stock has never been lower.
not share the UK public’s poor opinion of Durham’s answer to CS Lewis. Instead,
we admire his tenacious non-conformism, his ability to bend reality to fit his
narrative. If it does come to the worst and he’s pushed out, we are comforted
to know that a career as a top-class novelist awaits.
British Prime Minster Boris Johnson, who today tested
positive for Covid-19, has gone onto self-isolation until the pandemic passes.
Johnson has taken
up residence in the fridge he famously hid in to avoid an interview with Piers
“The PM isn’t used
to taking anything seriously,” said a government source, “so having to be all
grave and noble for the past few weeks has really taken a toll on him. It’s probably
why he contracted the virus. He needs his safe space.”