Satirical Irish News
Fine Gael TD and national laughing stock Maria Bailey may be clinging to her job by a thread, but Down the Town News can exclusively reveal that she already has an alternative career lined up.
The Dun Laoghaire TD is selflessly planning to use her traumatic Swing-Gate experience to help improve safety standards at playgrounds around the country.
Continue reading “Exclusive: Maria Bailey planning career as playground safety consultant”
American tourist Daisy Dandelion has been left red-faced after encountering her first ever rugby match at her hotel bar.
“I thought it was a gay sex thing,” confessed the embarrassed New Yorker. “All I saw was a load of sweaty men smashing their bodies into each other and shoving their heads up their asses. Then they cut to some men in suits who showed the whole thing again in slow-motion”
Continue reading “American Tourist thought rugby was “a gay sex thing””
Local father Freddie Myers has already eaten all his family’s Halloween sweets and confected a flimsy pretext for his gluttony.
Myers, who is working from home during the school mid-term break, had initially opened a fun pack of Giant Buttons as “a treat” for the kids as they watched Ratatouille on Netflix.
Continue reading “Local Father eats all Halloween sweets, claims scientific breakthrough”
Local GP Dr. Linda Looney has come under the microscope after admitting to writing prescriptions purely to attain branded tat from drug companies.
“It’s a sliding scale,” stated Dr. Looney, “the more you prescribe, the better the goodies.”
Dr. Looney’s swag mania was triggered by a particularly fetching mouse mat she received earlier this year.
Continue reading “Local Doctor writing prescriptions to earn free mouse mat”
Irish rugby has received a welcome boost today after the IRFU announced details of a new sponsorship deal with Beamish stout.
A Beamish spokesperson stated that the drinks company is reviving their classic ‘Consistency in a World Gone Mad Campaign’ in conjunction with the IRFU.
“Irish rugby, like a pint of Beamish, is a model of consistency,” they stated. “While other teams swing wildly between success and failure we get knocked out in the quarter-finals every time. You can’t put a price on that type of dependability.”
The IRFU welcomed the partnership and stated that Beamish would now be the official energy drink for the Irish squad in an “innovative rugby-stout synergy.”
New head coach Andy Farrell said that having an alcoholic energy drink, high in hops and barley, could give his players an extra edge as they look to recapture the form that saw them rise to number one in the world rankings.
“Consistency is something every coach aims for and I believe Beamish can help us achieve our goals. We’ll be giving each player a six pack before training sessions,” said Farrell “and we hope it’ll allow them unlock their creativity and embrace a looser running game.”
Fans have speculated that the Irish team was already on the Beamish during last Saturday’s defeat to New Zealand, a claim both the IRFU and the drinks company deny.
They’re all wetting their pants about Joker. The ‘film of the year’, five stars across the board, Golden Lion and all. Well, they’re wrong. It’s not even funny.
If you’re going to do a film about a clown you’d better throw in a few jokes; a few zingy one liners like Arnie delivered as Colonel John Matrix in the seminal Commando. But no, not a bean.
Instead we get Joaquin Phoenix moping around, doing depressing shit and living his depressing life. How can a man who works as a clown be so miserable?
The film tries to be deep and moves away from all the homoerotic spandex you usually get with these superhero things. You wouldn’t ever see John Matrix in spandex. He was a real man.
At least with other superhero films you get some big explosions at the end and some cool action sequences where all the good lads in spandex finally defeated the bad lads in spandex.
Not in Joker though. In Joker there’s a scene where Phoenix shoots a gun a few times, and another later one where he gets it out again. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. It’s not even big. It’s the kind of gun Matrix would laugh at then snap in half.
In short: too much moping, not enough shooting.
Not content with voting for each other in the Dail, Fianna Fail gombeens Timmy Dooley and Niall Collins’ complex relationship has crossed into their home lives.
Limerick West TD Collins has voted six times for Dooley when the Clare TD couldn’t be arsed doing his job. He has also been filling in at the Dooley household, carrying out husbandly duties when Dooley fancies pints with the lads.
“It’s a long way home from Leinster House, and I often can’t face it,” admitted Dooley. “Niall’s a great man for the driving, and sure when you’re from a place like Patrickswell a night in Ennis is the height of excitement.”
Collins is believed to have deputised for Dooley on a number of occasions, attending family meals and functions.
“I usually send him over when the mother-in-law is visiting,” said Dooley, “or if the wife is hosting a dinner party.”
So frequent are Collins’ visits that he has now taken up semi-permanent residence in the Dooley’s spare bedroom.
“The cranks will say it’s making a mockery of marriage, but sure the wife loves him,” said Dooley, “and he knows how to press all the right buttons. I usually can’t perform my duties after a feed of pints.”
Local student Shane McShane remains a virgin, despite going around town boasting about all the riding he’s doing up in the big city.
McShane has recently started an Electronic Engineering degree, but is still returning home at the weekends so his Mammy can wash his clothes and give him a proper feed of spuds.
“The Chickadees love a man with a large protractor,” he told friends down the pub, “and there’s none bigger than mine.”
McShane has further proven his manhood by swaggering from pub to pub, displaying his roll of unused condoms to anyone showing an interest, and many who don’t.
“You’ve gotta be prepared,” he was heard advising a group of anxious 5th years over cans in the local park.
However, McShane has confided to his best friend, who confided in Down the Town News, that he not only remains a virgin, but hasn’t got so much as “a bit of boob” in the city.
Johnny Rosewater, who has asked to remain anonymous, said that McShane was always useless with the girls anyway, and that the city women were “far too sophisticated for that gobshite.”
In cruel, and frankly unnecessary, additional detail, he added that McShane’s mammy “still irons his jocks.”
Rosewater, like McShane is still believed to be a virgin, along with every other young fella from the parish who has left for college this year.
Down the Town News has seen a leaked Tory party memo in which government officials outline their confidence ahead of tomorrow’s Brexit vote.
Etonian reptile Prime Minister Boris Johnson is the key reason for this confidence. Despite seemingly difficult odds for the minority government the document takes heart from Johnson’s incredible history of deal making.
Below are some of the highlights:
With such incredible deals already in his back pocket Tory officials are confident of yet more success for Johnson on Saturday even though all rational logic points to probable defeat.
The man just cannot stop winning and Down the Town News salutes his reptilian tenacity.
A Local content enthusiast has been awarded the freedom of the town after successfully watching every single program on Netflix.
Large crowds turned out at town hall to watch Tom O’Hawk, who has watched every single minute of those awful Adam Sandler films and all the other shite everyone skips over, receive a ceremonial Golden Remote from the Mayor.
“I didn’t think it was such a big deal,” said a bemused O’Hawk, who dressed for the occasion in his standard Netflix viewing outfit of black shorts and old white t-shirt. “The town must be really gone to shit if they’re celebrating something like this.”
O’Hawk, who admitted to having watched only a moderate amount of Netflix until losing his job six months ago, said that there had been “fuck all else” to do between trips to the post office and futile attempts at job searching.
“Tom is a role-model for the young people of the town,” said the Mayor. “Losing his job could have sent him into the usual spiral of drink, drugs and enforced prostitution, but instead he picked himself up, focused on a goal, and achieved the impossible.”
Asked how he planned to follow up this momentous achievement, O’Hawk shrugged and mumbled something about downloading a VPN and trying out US Netflix. His ambition knows no bounds.