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GE 2020: The Green Party Manifesto

With the General Election fast approaching DTTN has offered the main political parties the chance to present their manifestos to our readers. Today we hear from Béite O’Dúr of The Green Party

Last May brought a Green Wave as we triumphed in the local elections. This week prepare for the Green Tsunami, as we crash through the political landscape, consuming everything in our path.

Others say that we are standing in the way of progress, but do we really need houses, cars and non-seasonal food? Our forefathers lived by the water and subsisted on what they could hunt and gather. No semi-d for them. And no t-shirts made from Bangladeshi slave labour. We should learn from that.

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GE 2020: The Labour Manifesto

With the General Election fast approaching DTTN has offered the main political parties the chance to present their manifestos to our readers.

We had allocated today’s space for a Labour representative. However, no one within the Labour Party responded to our calls and emails.

Just before going to press we received a jiffy bag from Labour containing nothing but a colouring book and a single red crayon.

Labour won only seven seats in the last election and their slide into irrelevance continues.

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Brexit: The Good News

Today our friends The Irish Sea mark their exit from the EU by joining hands and jumping into their time capsule set for 1950.

   Brexit has prompted an outpouring of gloomy analysis and doom-mongering. Here at DTTN we’re not convinced that it’s all that bad.

   So, in the true Tory spirit of magic unicorns and lakes of mead we proudly present Brexit: The Good News.

  • Er…
  • No, nothing.
  • Still nothing.
  • Move along, nothing to see here.

So, there you have it. 2020 starts with a momentous occasion and we hope you all agree that the good times are set to roll.

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Local Reactionary Starts Corona Bonfire

A local reactionary has caused a major sensation by purchasing and burning every bottle of Corona beer in the parish.

   Dinny Mall stated that he hoped that ridding the parish of the “Evil Corona beverage would keep the precious children safe from disease.”

    It is believed that Mall may have confused the popular bottled beer with the deadly Coronavirus, which is currently sweeping the globe.

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Local Man regrets pulling Coronavirus sickie

A local man’s decision to phone in sick after a heavy night drinking backfired in spectacular fashion.

    Colin Coldsore (27), caused panic in the local area after informing his employer that he would not be in due to contracting the coronavirus.

    “A buddy of mine was over from London,” said Coldsore, “And a quick mid-week pint turned into a proper session. I was bouncing around Shifters nightclub all night.”

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National Women’s Council of Ireland adopts Beastie Boys song as official anthem

In a surprise move, The National Women’s Council of Ireland (NWCI) has adopted the Beastie Boys song Girls as the organisation’s official anthem.

    The 1986 hit, from the Beastie’s classic Licensed to Ill album features the lyrics “Girls…to do the dishes, to clean up my room, to do the laundry and in the bathroom.”

     A spokesperson for the NWCI said that the song showcased “the diversity of employment opportunities available to the modern career woman.”

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GE 2020 – The Fianna Fail Manifesto

With the General Election fast approaching DTTN has offered the main political parties the chance to present their manifestos to our readers. Today we hear from Fianna Fail councillor Eddie Cash.

    Fine Gael have broken Ireland. Tin Man Kenny teed us up and social media influencer Varadkar knocked us out of the fecking park. But, what more would you expect from the Blueshirts?

  Vote Fianna Fail and we will rebuild the country, brick by brick, development by ill-advised development. We might not take the actions that the country wants, or needs, but the one thing we can guarantee is action. And lots of it.

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GE 2020 – The Fine Gael Manifesto

With the General Election fast approaching DTTN has offered the main political parties the chance to present their manifestos to our readers. Today we hear from Fine Gael councillor Patsy Preen.

     We’ve been in power for nine long years. Our critics say we haven’t done a lot right, but we haven’t done a lot wrong either. In fact we’ve not done much of anything. If you had an ol’ Delorean, from Back to the Future, and went all the way back to 2011 you’d not notice much difference. That’s what you get with Fine Gael – stability.

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GE 2020 – The Sinn Fein Manifesto

With the General Election fast approaching DTTN has offered the main political parties the chance to present their manifestos to our readers. Today we hear from Sinn Fein councillor Angus Gunn

     The people of Ireland are sick of the tired old duopoly of Fianna Fail and Fine Gael, and they’re especially sick of the loose progressive morals of the Varadkar government.

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