Local Man douses Rose’s candle claim

Local pedant William Q. Halibut has ignited controversy in the music world by insisting that Axl Rose was talking through his hoop in the lyrics to Guns ‘n’ Roses famous hit November Rain.

    “Well,” said Halibut as he pushed his glasses up his nose, “it’s nonsense if you stop and think about it.”

     In the song Rose states that it is hard to “hold a candle in the cold November rain.” Halibut claims that holding a candle in November rain, or indeed any inclement weather conditions, would not prove problematic.

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Local Man could have been Premier League Star if he’d had the training

Local man Jimmy Power has raised heckles down the pub after claiming that he could have played in the Premier League if he’d had “the same training as the professional lads.”

     Power (25), who played as a goal-scoring winger up to U-16 level for his school team, made the claim as he watched two Premier League sides battle to a dour scoreless draw on the telly.

      “Just give me the training,” stated Power, who had consumed several pints of stout, “And I’ll bang the goals in.”

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Tubridy and Bono to honour Gaybo with Harley Ride

Late Late Show presenter Ryan Tubridy and U2 frontman Bono are to honour the memory of broadcasting legend Gay Byrne with a sponsored Harley Davidson ride.

    Tubridy, often referred to as the Bono of TV presenters, announced that the pair will be riding from Montrose to Howth Head, in a journey to be broadcast live on his radio show.

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Corbyn still unable to decide between cake or biscuit

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn remains marooned in an Islington café last night after his agonising over whether to have cake or biscuit ran into a third day.

  Corbyn is believed to be hoping that the café runs out of cake and biscuit before he is forced into a decision.

   “I offered a free snack to all my regulars,” said café owner Stacey Raymond. “Most folk snapped it up and went on their way with a smile. Not Jeremy though.”

   Corbyn dithered by the side of the counter, and waved through several other customers, before nursing a single cup of tea and hiding in the toilets until the café closed.

     “He said he would definitely make a better decision than the Tories, but I’m still waiting,” said Raymond.

Former Prime Minster Theresa May rejected a free slice of black forest gateau at her local cafe, stating “Biscuit means biscuit.” The café did not stock biscuits.

    Current PM Boris Johnson has issued a statement that he was “very confident” that he could “eat all the biscuits” at Raymond’s café despite being an Etonian reptile that subsists only on live mice and gerbils

     Corbyn has not left the café since and has slept on a makeshift bed of tables for the last two nights.

   “I told him he could just have the tea by itself,” said a frustrated Raymond, “but he still won’t budge out of that ratty sleeping bag. It’s driving away custom.”

    The café is not expected to run out of cake or biscuits anytime soon, with Raymond expecting a fresh delivery tomorrow morning. This story looks set to run and run.

Films with Dion Hegarty – Judy

I’ll be honest with you here, I have no idea who Judy Garland is. Wikipedia tells me that she starred in something called The Wizard of Oz, which features a young girl, a lion, a scarecrow, some manner of tin contraption and a dog.

   From what I can tell it’s a prototype Avengers style romp where a group of misfits track down and dispatch the wizard, who has stolen their superpowers.

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Exclusive: Maria Bailey planning career as playground safety consultant

Fine Gael TD and national laughing stock Maria Bailey may be clinging to her job by a thread, but Down the Town News can exclusively reveal that she already has an alternative career lined up.

    The Dun Laoghaire TD is selflessly planning to use her traumatic Swing-Gate experience to help improve safety standards at playgrounds around the country.

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American Tourist thought rugby was “a gay sex thing”

   American tourist Daisy Dandelion has been left red-faced after encountering her first ever rugby match at her hotel bar.

“I thought it was a gay sex thing,” confessed the embarrassed New Yorker. “All I saw was a load of sweaty men smashing their bodies into each other and shoving their heads up their asses. Then they cut to some men in suits who showed the whole thing again in slow-motion”

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Local Father eats all Halloween sweets, claims scientific breakthrough

Local father Freddie Myers has already eaten all his family’s Halloween sweets and confected a flimsy pretext for his gluttony.

Myers, who is working from home during the school mid-term break, had initially opened a fun pack of Giant Buttons as “a treat” for the kids as they watched Ratatouille on Netflix.

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Local Doctor writing prescriptions to earn free mouse mat

Local GP Dr. Linda Looney has come under the microscope after admitting to writing prescriptions purely to attain branded tat from drug companies.

    “It’s a sliding scale,” stated Dr. Looney, “the more you prescribe, the better the goodies.”

    Dr. Looney’s swag mania was triggered by a particularly fetching mouse mat she received earlier this year.

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IRFU Announce Beamish Sponsorship Deal

Irish rugby has received a welcome boost today after the IRFU announced details of a new sponsorship deal with Beamish stout.

   A Beamish spokesperson stated that the drinks company is reviving their classic ‘Consistency in a World Gone Mad Campaign’ in conjunction with the IRFU.

    “Irish rugby, like a pint of Beamish, is a model of consistency,” they stated. “While other teams swing wildly between success and failure we get knocked out in the quarter-finals every time. You can’t put a price on that type of dependability.”

   The IRFU welcomed the partnership and stated that Beamish would now be the official energy drink for the Irish squad in an “innovative rugby-stout synergy.”

   New head coach Andy Farrell said that having an alcoholic energy drink, high in hops and barley, could give his players an extra edge as they look to recapture the form that saw them rise to number one in the world rankings.

     “Consistency is something every coach aims for and I believe Beamish can help us achieve our goals. We’ll be giving each player a six pack before training sessions,” said Farrell “and we hope it’ll allow them unlock their creativity and embrace a looser running game.”

     Fans have speculated that the Irish team was already on the Beamish during last Saturday’s defeat to New Zealand, a claim both the IRFU and the drinks company deny.