Irish Political Parties still acting like teenagers

It’s been one month since the General Election the main parties are continuing to circle each other like tipsy teenagers at an underage disco. In order to understand their mindset DTTN has asked a 14 year old schoolgirl to explain:

“I mean, Leo thought he was hot stuff. Filtered selfies all over Insta, and like, socks?  But he’s just losing like sooo many followers because, well, he’s a bit too self-obssesed. Get over yourself Leo.

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Local Boy does not reject Satan and all his workings

  The local national school has been thrown into disarray as a sixth class student revealed that he failed to reject Satan and all his workings during last weekend’s Confirmation ceremony.

   Peter Pendlebury confided to class mates that Satan was “pretty cool, actually,” stating that he crossed his fingers when confirmees were to reject the Lord of Darkness and his nefarious actions.

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Local Teenager hoping for Coronavirus school closure

A local teenager is praying for the Coronavirus to hit his school so he can get out of a really difficult test.

Ultan O’Sultan (16), a 5th Year student at St. Flamingo’s is dreading the trigonometry exam that he’s failed to spend the last week studying for.

  “I’ve been busy, yeah? Playing Fortnite and trying to get Susie the college chick from the off license to sell me a few cans. I don’t have time to study.”

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Local Germophobe self-isolating for six months

A local germophobe has officially moved to Defcon 1 after Ireland was hit with its second confirmed case of Coronavirus.

   Conor Sivura (32), has barricaded himself in his home and told DTTN that he won’t be coming out until the crisis has passed.

     “I’ve taken a six month leave of absence from work,” said the accountant, “possibly extending to a year depending on how things play out. You can’t be too safe.”

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Trump declares Leap Year ‘Fake News’

 President Donald Trump has declared that the US will no longer recognise Leap Years.

    In a controversial move, the US will move one day ahead of the rest of the world, with today now being 1st March for the land of the free.

    “This Leap Year, I don’t trust it,” said Trump. “It’s a liberal invention. They’re talking about it on Fake News CNN.”

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Local Glory Hunter pondering Liverpool switch

A local glory hunter is seriously considering becoming a Liverpool supporter after watching The Red’s inexorable march towards their first title in 30 years.

   Gary Winner (32), currently supports Manchester City, but is disappointed by their recent performances and has reservations about following a team who may not play Champion’s League football next season.

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Local Takeaway couldn’t care less about Food Safety Authority standards

Johnny Valentine, owner of local takeaway Johnny’s Family Feedbag, has expressed his frustration with the Food Safety Authority (FSA) after his premises was hit with a closure notice.

     The establishment, which is known locally as ‘The Fleabag’ has been shut for an indefinite period after a customer discovered a whole southern-fried mouse in their snack box on Friday night.

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Shane Ross to become this week’s FAI CEO

Former Sports Minister Shane Ross has today been announced as the new CEO of the FAI.

 Most observers felt that Ross, who lost his seat at this month’s General Election, would face a long spell out of the public eye. No such luck.

  The role became open after previous incumbent Niall Quinn ran away screaming and booked a one way ticket to Libya.

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