Local rugby enthusiast Brian Boar has written to RTE,
registering his shock that the national broadcaster ran an advert for Spar
starring Ireland soccer captain Seamus Coleman.
“I mean, it’s the
Rugby World Cup,” fumed Boar, “while I appreciate that Coleman is making the
healthy choice buying the apple, it’s no place for him or any of the soccer
Despite the advert airing on a day when no matches were taking place, Boar felt that the underlying message was RTE again treating rugby as a second-class game.
“It’s no wonder
they’ve lost the Six Nations, when that’s their attitude,” he said.
rugby fan, Boar believed, would much rather see what filling Johnny Sexton
chose for his roll or if the Eimear-nator was continuing to get the better of
Tommy Bowe and the lads playing video games.
Eimear-nator has become part of our national psyche,” stated Boar, “and we need
her and her like to will us to glory. Seamus fucking Coleman, and I’ve nothing
against him personally, is only diluting the message.”
“She really is a legend,” he continued, “the lads, and these are three of the greats we’re talking about here, didn’t even realise she was in the same room as them. That’s some ninja level shit.”
Boar, who has
yet to hear back from RTE, stated that he will continue to write every day
until Coleman is pulled from the airwaves.
Local Green Councillor
Hector McHemp has created a sensation by claiming that the government’s new
carbon tax did not go far enough, and that life itself should be taxed.
“Life on Earth is essentially
carbon based,” he said, “so really we should be looking to tax anything and
everything that exists.”
“Sure, diesel and petrol are major polluters,
but they’re not the only source of carbon – it’s in plants, animals, burnt
toast and every single person in the country. We need to be looking at the
bigger picture here.”
The Councillor has put forward a radical
plan that would see every living creature owe their local council an escalating
amount of carbon tax for every year of their existence.
“People think existence is a basic human
right, like the internet or clean drinking water. But it’s not.”
McHemp stated that collection could be
enforced in the form of a carbon license and monitored by carbon inspectors “a
bit like the TV license, but without any shite like Ryan Tubridy.”
Under the proposal both domestic and wild
animals would be required to register and declare their carbon use.
“The animal kingdom has had a free ride for
long enough. They need to do their bit to save the planet.”
To incentivise sign-ups McHemp’s scheme
proposes a carbon rebate for every participant upon their death to recognise
their “ultimate carbon off-set.”
Local Councillor Willie Ryder has become embroiled in a
racism controversy after throwing his weight behind Ireland’s Rugby World Cup
Ryder, who is
heavily involved in the local GAA club, is not known for his oval ball
expertise, but was spotted donning an Irish rugby jersey as he left a council
“Let’s get behind
Joe Shit and the boys.” he told Down the Town News, “If Johnny Sexman can get a
few more touchdowns we could be going all the way.”
Ryder, who has
previously expressed his love for Liverpool FC, Irish boxing, Conor McGregor
and the New England Patriots, is also believed to have ordered a rugby ball
from O’Neill’s Sports Shop.
stated that if the team won the World Cup he would “personally table a motion
for them to be granted the freedom of the town.”
“It looks like
it’s set for us to meet those black bastards in the quarter finals,” he said
“and we all know how fast they can run, but I’ve full faith in Joe and the
When asked to clarify if he was referring to the New Zealand
All Blacks, Ryder looked confused before responding “Blacks in general are just
smug bastards. We need to keep Ireland for the Irish. I hope we smash them.”
Ryder is in
his third and, now likely, final term as councillor.
Local man Johnny
Rotten was left devastated on Thursday as the takeaway he ordered from his
local Indian arrived without the expected peshwari naan.
Rotten, who wasn’t
arsed going down the shop to get dinner after a hard day a work, stated that he
hadn’t been this upset since the local pizza place accidentally put pineapple
on his deep pan.
people are animals.” said Rotten, “I’ve been ordering the Indian ever since.
It’s a grand break from the ol’ cooking.”
contacted the takeaway to alert them to the oversight, he was informed it would
take another 20 minutes to deliver the forgotten item.
“Sure, the naan’s
the best part, for mopping up all the sauce” stated a distressed Rotten, “you
may as well chuck the whole lot in the bin if it’s missing.”
Faced with a
choice of a naan-less meal or his curry going cold waiting for its arrival,
Rotten made the brave and difficult decision to prise himself from his couch
and walk two minutes down the road to purchase a naan from the supermarket.
“It just wasn’t
the same with the supermarket stuff,” lamented Rotten, “sure you do it in the
toaster. Nothing good every came out of a toaster.”
Indian has offered Rotten a free naan and 10% off his next order, but he is
believed to be considering his future takeaway options.