Satirical Irish News
Former England footballer manager Gareth Southgate is in line to become the next James Bond, producers have announced.
Southgate, who bravely led the Three Lions to a further eight years hurt, is considered the perfect candidate to drag the often archaic franchise into the 21st century.
“Gareth created a friendlier, more inclusive England. And we want to use his skill set to create a friendlier, more inclusive Bond,” said a source.
Continue reading “Southgate to become next James Bond”
A local conspiracy theorist is enjoying an ‘I told you so’ moment following the assassination attempt on former US President Donald Trump at a rally in Pennsylvania.
“The deep state Dems conspiracy is behind this,” said Stewie Bannon (57). “First they called him a sex offender, it didn’t stick. Then they called him a felon. That didn’t stick either. Now they’re so desperate they tried to kill him.
Continue reading “Local conspiracy theorist feeling vindicated following Trump assassination attempt”
Supervillians aren’t what they used to be.
Gru from the Despicable Me series is voiced by a 40 year old virgin and lives a dull suburban existence with his wife, four children and strange yellow pets.
Previously he had plans to steal the moon, but all he’s doing now is dreading his high school reunion. How bourgeois. Are we supposed to root for this colourless eunuch? And since when are villains protagonists?
Continue reading “Films with Dion Hegarty – Despicable Me 4”
Several high profile Tory ‘Big Beasts’ who lost their seats in last week’s general election have banded together to release a unique cover version of Africa by Toto.
Penny Mordaunt, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Liz Truss and more have been busy in the studio, recording a lament to the Tories Rwanda plan, which was callously scrapped by new Prime Minister Keir Starmer.
Continue reading “Deposed Tory Big Beasts release Africa cover version”
Roderic O’Gorman has today been elected as the new leader of the Green Party. And the Dubliner did not wait long to unveil audacious plans to turn the entire country into one giant cycle path.
“We’ve already laid down hundreds of kilometres of cycle paths in unsafe and unsuitable locations that very few, if any, cyclists will ever use,” said O’ Gorman. “People will say the Greens are out of touch doing this, but it is the people who are wrong.
Continue reading “Roderic O’Gorman to turn nation into giant cycle path”
UK doctors have warned about a dangerous surge in sudden onset narcolepsy this weekend due to Coldplay’s performance at Glastonbury and the continued tediousness of England’s football team at the Euros.
“Narcolepsy causes patients to feel drowsy and need to sleep during the daytime,” said an NHS doctor. “The causes are not always clear, but this weekend we have seen a spike due to Coldplay and the football.”
Continue reading “Coldplay, England football team causing spike in sudden onset narcolepsy warns NHS”
The political world is still abuzz from last night’s Presidential Debate on CNN where whipper snapper Donald Trump (78) put old man Joe Biden (81) in his place.
“I’m young, so, so young. And energetic, I run marathons as I sleep!” said Trump. “Doctors say I may be the single most vital man in human history. The only thing Joe has running is his nose.
Continue reading “Youthful Trump vows to Make America Cool Again”
Ireland’s new Minister for Finance Jack Chambers has hit back at commentators taking jabs at his relative youth.
The 33 year old, who has become the second youngest Minister for Finance in the state’s history, told DTTN over juice and cookies that the comments were just “begrudgery” and “reverse ageism.”
Continue reading “Jack Chambers hits back at ‘too young’ comments”
A local man has announced his plans to acquire Ireland’s first Cybertruck.
Eoin Mutch (58) told anyone in the pub who’d listen, and several who didn’t want to, that he’d already been in contact with Tesla to acquire one of their controversial electric trucks.
The Cybertruck, which is not yet available in Europe, retails in the US at around $100,000 and has attracted negative reviews for it’s design flaws, quickness to break down and looking like a tin of beans on wheels.
Continue reading “Local man plans on owning Ireland’s first Cybertruck”
Following our previous article on cheerleaders for John O’Shea to be appointed as permanent manager of the Irish national men’s soccer team, there has been a significant backlash.
In the interests of balance DTTN has sought opinion from those opposed to appointing the Waterford man. Their thoughts are below:
Continue reading “John O’Shea – The Backlash”