Satirical Irish News
A local shopkeeper has been lauded after refusing to serve a strange man he’d never seen before.
Alfie O’Donovan, who has run Alfie’s corner shop since 1982, was left shaken after a mysterious man entered his premises looking to purchase a box of Marlboro Gold.
“This is a local shop for local people,” said O’Donovan. “I know all my customers, from Mrs. O’Reilly and her clementine obsession to Mr. Hayes who buys ten packs of Polo Mints a day. This lad, well, he just wasn’t local.
Melon felon Donald Trump has continued his attack on Volodymyr Zelenskyy, claiming that the Ukrainian leader is just Osama bin Laden in disguise.
“Think about it folks,” said the tangerine rapist. “Bin Laden was ‘taken out’ by the Obama administration. The Democrats couldn’t even take out their trash!
My super intelligence, so much intelligence, is telling me that Obama, if that is his real name, folks, was part of a plot, a very deadly un-American plot to raise the price of eggs and relocate bin Laden and the eggs to Ukraine.
Continue reading “Trump: Zelenskyy is just Bin Laden in disguise”
A local father is refusing point blank to give any money towards his daughter’s wedding unless the happy couple serve a Baked Alaska for dessert at the reception.
Jimmy ‘Scoops’ Linehan (58) stated that serving Baked Alaska was a long cherished family tradition and he’d “be damned” if his daughter Jenny was going to “fuck it up for everyone.”
“My father had a Baked Alaska, and so did my father’s father,” said Linehan. “Before that it’s sketchy, but I’m assuming it goes back generations.
Continue reading “Local father refusing to pay towards daughter’s wedding unless Baked Alaska is served”
Tanaiste Simon Harris today showed real gumption and leadership by claiming that the State will “robustly push back” against any additional cost demands by the developer of the mythical National Children’s Hospital.
The hospital, which been under construction by contractors BAM! since 2016, at a cost of over €2 billion is now due to fully open in 2026, meaning a child conceived when the first spade went into the ground would now be close to completing primary school.
Continue reading “Government bravely stands up to children’s hospital contractor after only nine years and €2 billion costs”
A local man has created a stir by taking a blow up doll out for a romantic Valentine’s dinner at Don Carlos’ Italian restaurant.
Johnny Romeo (28) booked a table for two at the popular eatery with his date ‘Jennifer,’ named after his favourite Hollywood star Jennifer Lawrence.
“It’s all pure classy,” said Romeo. “I dressed her up like Jennifer’s character Katniss from The Hunger Games. But left the bow and arrow at home!”
Despite spending the duration of their meal getting perturbed glances from other diners, Romeo thoroughly enjoyed his large Hawaiian pizza and side of cheesy garlic bread. Jennifer did not order.
“She’s on a diet for her next role. I don’t like the crusts, so she had them. And we shared a bottle of wine,” said Romeo.
Romeo took the unorthodox move after growing tired of the usual dating apps.
“I’ve tried them all, but I never get a bite,” said the software engineer. “I posted all types of photos – sensitive with a puppy, intellectual holding a book and even some saucy dick pics for a select few lucky ladies. Jennifer doesn’t care about any of that. She just accepts me as I am.”
Following their meal the pair adjourned to Romeo’s apartment where they relaxed by watching one of Jennifer’s movies, before retiring for an early night.
Inspired by news of the Merchant Hotel in Belfast launching a ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ £1,000 cocktail, local publican Donal ‘Drippy’ Donoghue has decided to get in on the action.
Donoghue, the proprietor of Drippy’s on Main Street, has grown weary of the same old faces grumbling on his bar stools, and is attempting to diversify to get the ladies back through his doors.
Continue reading “Local publican to offer bespoke range of ‘Drippy’ cocktails”
A local woman has been left frustrated after Premier League referees made an absolute hames of assembling her newly purchased IKEA furniture.
Susan Susansson (28) ordered a number of items, including a wardrobe and bookshelves, from the Swedish retailer to furnish her new apartment.
“I’m rubbish at DIY” said Susansson. “I found the ad for PGMOL Handy Men online. Their rates were massively expensive, so I assumed they must be good.”
Continue reading “Local woman left frustrated after Premier League referees fail to assemble IKEA furniture”
Fresh from claims that he would turn Gaza into a holiday resort, US President Donald Trump has pivoted and now plans to create the world’s largest golf course.
“Who doesn’t love golf?” said The Melon Felon. “I love golf. I have courses in Ireland and Scotland. Great courses, the best. But Gaza could be something special, so big, so beautiful.
Continue reading “Trump to transform Gaza into world’s largest golf course”
It’s been two weeks since Storm Éowyn hit the country and more than 25,000 homes are still without power.
Parts of Galway, Mayo and Roscommon have been worst hit, and there have been calls for compensation to be paid for affected customers.
However, one local man is revelling in his temporary electricity free life.
Continue reading “Local man doesn’t want power back anytime soon”
White House officials are desperately scrambling today to keep knowledge of South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut from President Trump.
The 1999 film saw the US, led by South Park resident Sheila Broflovski, declare war on Canada over the foul-mouthed antics of Canadian entertainers Terrance and Phillip.
Fresh from slapping 25% tariffs on Canadian goods, it is understand the Orange Felon remains bullish, and may be looking to make further moves to punish the 51st state. And evangelical Christian groups are understood to be pushing for censorship on Canadian ‘filth.’
Continue reading “Worried aides trying to keep Trump away from South Park film”