Santa has launched a scathing attack on humanity, stating that we’re nothing but “a bunch of ungrateful bastards.”
“It’s the same every year,” said Santa. “The begging letters start rolling in each November. I want this, I want that. I want two. I want the biggest, the most expensive. And a surprise.
We do our best to fulfil each request. Myself and the elves run the workshop 24/7 for two months, making all your tat. Then, come Christmas Eve, I dose up the reindeer with anabolics and we spend the whole fucking day delivering.
I tune in the radio and hear all the stations tracking my flight, all greedily waiting for their pressies. I eat all the mince pies, even though I’m allergic to dried fruit, and arrive home exhausted to sleep for a week.
And then, radio silence. After all the letters and anticipation, I don’t get one thank you card. Not even a lousy email. You’re all too busy playing with your new toys and giving each other Covid.
The radio never even reports that I got home safely. They don’t give a shit either. Then I’m ignored for the next 11 months until the begging letters start arriving again.
Next year you can all fuck off. I’m heading to Lanzarote for Christmas.”