NPHET recommends permanent lockdown

The National Public Health Emergency Team has recommended a permanent lockdown to be implemented from midnight tomorrow.

Dr. Tony Holohan has announced that the difficult decision had been made after fraught discussions with government.

“Covid-19 isn’t going away,” said Dr. Holohan “and instances are increasing. That’s why people need to stay indoors for the foreseeable future, and possibly forever.

To make sure they comply we’re asking Gardai to seal up the doors to all private homes and apartment blocks. We can’t be too safe.”

Dr. Holohan said that the restrictions may be lifted should a viable vaccine become available in 2021, but that this would be subject to review.

“Even if we can cure Covid, who knows what new disease will come along next. People need to stay in their homes and use the aid packages the army will be parachuting in.”

All businesses, including supermarkets, will be closed, but schools will remain open.

“We have to think of our children’s future,”said Dr. Holohan, “and they’ll be transported to and from school by armoured car every day, along with any required teaching staff.”

Many commentators have expressed dismay at the move, but Dr. Holohan countered the criticism stating “It’s science, bitches.”

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