Entire Fianna Fail party pre-emptively resigns

The entire Fianna Fail parliamentary party has offered pre-emptive resignations to Taoiseach Micheal Martin.

The move follows the resignations of former Ministers for Agriculture Dara Calleary and Barry Cowen within 30 days of each other.

“Being out of power for nine years made us reflect on our behaviour as a party,” said a Fianna Fail spokesperson. “We’ve treated the electorate and the democratic processes with contempt. And people need to realise that’s not going to change.”

The spokesperson stated that doing whatever the fuck they felt like was a “great Fianna Fail tradition,” as exemplified by party luminaries such as Bertie Ahern and Charles Haughey.

“By offering our resignations in advance we’re acknowledging our intent to continue the rich history of our party. What we do may be offensive, immoral or downright illegal, but the Irish people need to accept that is our culture.

That way, when the public decides to be outraged by us again, despite continuing to elect us over and over, we’ll have our excuses ready and fat ministerial pensions to fall back on.”

The spokesperson terminated this interview at this point, stating that they needed to neck a few pints before driving to Leinster House, where they planned to cough on opposition backbenchers.

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