Offaly declares independence

County Offaly has declared itself an independent republic, effective immediately.

The move comes in response to the localised lockdown imposed by the government on counties Kildare, Laois and Offaly.

The move has been led by Fianna Fail councillor Jim-Bob Glendenning.

“The people of Offaly have had enough of being dictated to by Leinster House. Now we’re rolling up the road to Dublin and taking it home. They can all feck off,” said Glendenning.

Tullamore will serve as the capital of The People’s Republic of Offaly, with July by Birr native Mundy to be adopted as the national anthem.

The tricolour, coincidentally the Offaly county colours, will be retained, but with Slieve Bloom superimposed on the background.

The Euro will be replaced by the BIFFO, a new currency which will be minted from turf from Clara Bog and discarded Tayto packets.

Glendenning, who will launch the new republic at a Tullamore Dew and ham sandwich reception at Tullamore Town Hall, also outlined plans for an armed border wall around the county.

“If any fucker from Galway, Tipp or Meath tries to sneak in they’ll be shot on sight.”

Kildare and Laois are believed to be monitoring developments.

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