Martin to cabinet: “I am the one who knocks”

Taoiseach Michael Martin has taken a hard line in his first cabinet meeting, telling Ministers that he is “the one who knocks.”

Martin is understood to have binge watched Breaking Bad during lockdown, drawing inspiration from Walter White’s journey from milquetoast science teacher to ruthless drug kingpin.

“Michael is like Walter White in many ways,” said one Fianna Fail backbencher. “We didn’t think he had it in him, but by Jesus, he’s scaring the shit out of us now.”

 Martin has taken to wearing a pork pie hat at meetings and has instructed party members to address him as “Heisenberg.”

Fianna Fail insiders believe that Tanaiste Leo Varadkar will fulfil the role of central antagonist; fast food restaurant owner Gustavo Frings.

 “I always said Varadkar was a chicken man, with those dead eyes,” said the backbencher. “We’ve organised a KFC family bucket for the Tanaiste’s office as a welcome gift.”

Martin has earmarked Green leader Eamon Ryan for the role of loveably clueless sidekick Jesse Pinkman.

 “We’re working on getting a “Yeah! Science, bitch!” out of him. It shouldn’t be difficult,” said a Fianna Fail minister.

Mary Lou McDonald will play the chief opposition to White; DEA agent Hank Schrader. However, she has rejected calls to shave her head for added authenticity.

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