Local introvert feeling anxious as cold snap ends

Life is returning to normal in Ireland after the orange ice and snow warnings of the past week.

Thousands around the country were without power, water or unable to leave their homes due to the ice. As they re-emerge blinking into the light, one local man wishes the ice never left.

Eddie Inner (23), a local introvert, told DTTN via email (he declined a face to face interview) that the cold snap had “liberated him” with a “ready made excuse to avoid all social contract.”

“The lads are always at me to go for a pint,” said Inner, “but all those people with their big heads and mouths terrify me. It was so nice to spend the last week indoors. I got an online grocery delivery, watched old films on DVD and alphabetized my books and spice rack.”

DTTN understands that the lads are en route to Inner’s apartment with a bag of cans in the hope of dragging him to the local to meet a woman.

“Women scare me, with their intricate clothing and smells,” said Inner. “I talked to a woman once when I was 21 and still haven’t fully recovered.”

Inner plans to ignore the lads’ overtures by pretending he’s already out and will spend his Saturday night removing the lint from his tumble dryer and fashioning it into interesting shapes.

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