Sofa lover JD Vance is to step down as the Vice-Presidential candidate on the Trump ticket with immediate effect, it has been announced.
Vance, whose passion for soft furnishings is legendary, is to take up a new role in the couch department of retail giant IKEA.
“JD will be part of our crack couch outfit,” said an IKEA spokesperson. “We require our staff to know couches inside-out, and no-ones knowledge runs deeper than JD’s.”
As part of his role Vance will advise customers on the smoothest and most sensual fabrics, styles and cushions to complement their home decor.
“Politics is well and good, but this is my true calling,” said Vance. “I’m looking forward to getting out on the road, assembling and disassembling couches of all shapes and sizes, as well as taking away the dirty, dirty, dirty old couches and giving them what they deserve.
IKEA has been too liberal and Swedish for too long. I’m going to be injecting some red-blooded hillbilly DNA into the company.”
Vance plans to chronicle the his new venture in an updated version of his best selling memoir Hillbilly Elegy. Hillbilly Elegy: Sofa, So Good is expected to be available in all good bookshops, and IKEA, by Christmas.