Former England footballer manager Gareth Southgate is in line to become the next James Bond, producers have announced.
Southgate, who bravely led the Three Lions to a further eight years hurt, is considered the perfect candidate to drag the often archaic franchise into the 21st century.
“Gareth created a friendlier, more inclusive England. And we want to use his skill set to create a friendlier, more inclusive Bond,” said a source.
Bond as played by Southgate would represent a significant pivot from the character’s smooth misogynistic days of yore. Amongst the changes being considered are:
- Bond will no longer drink martinis as being inebriated on the job is now considered a faux pas. Tie-ins expected with Heineken Zero.
- Traditional Aston Martin to be replaced by fully electric Nissan Leaf. This will reduce Bond’s carbon footprint and be more convenient for parking.
- All potential love interests to be greeted with a warm handshake, individualised PowerPoint and a nice cup of tea.
- Pacifist Bond. Situations in Gaza and Ukraine have reduced public appetite for violence. Gareth will only take a shot at the very, very last minute when certain death is seconds away.
- Where possible Gareth will avoid any shooting and challenge foes to a penalty kick contest.
- Bond’s wardrobe to be upgraded to comfy polo shirts and waistcoats. Makes character more relatable to the common man.
- New gadgets. Bond to have a portable white patio chair to throw through windows and escape sticky situations at a moment’s notice.