Roderic O’Gorman to turn nation into giant cycle path

Roderic O’Gorman has today been elected as the new leader of the Green Party. And the Dubliner did not wait long to unveil audacious plans to turn the entire country into one giant cycle path.

“We’ve already laid down hundreds of kilometres of cycle paths in unsafe and unsuitable locations that very few, if any, cyclists will ever use,” said O’ Gorman. “People will say the Greens are out of touch doing this, but it is the people who are wrong.

That’s why we’re doubling down and calling for every single square inch of the country to be converted into cycle paths. There’s fuck all money for proper public transport, but we can just about stretch to painting a few lines around the place.

Obviously this will be controversial, but the public need to convert from gas guzzling to pedal power. It’ll reduce carbon footprint, help combat the obesity crisis and will be a real boon to tourism. The entire country will become a mini Amsterdam, just without any of the good bits.

Commute times may rise, and be much sweatier, but workers will arrive with the satisfaction that they have done their bit for the planet. We want every man and woman in the country to feel the self-righteousness of being green and we’re going to achieve it one cycle lane at a time.

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