Coldplay, England football team causing spike in sudden onset narcolepsy warns NHS

UK doctors have warned about a dangerous surge in sudden onset narcolepsy this weekend due to Coldplay’s performance at Glastonbury and the continued tediousness of England’s football team at the Euros.

“Narcolepsy causes patients to feel drowsy and need to sleep during the daytime,” said an NHS doctor. “The causes are not always clear, but this weekend we have seen a spike due to Coldplay and the football.”

Veteran bed-wetters Coldplay sent nearly 100,000 festival goers to sleep with their Saturday night slot at Glastonbury’s pyramid stage. And the England football team looks set to top this when they battle to a grim 0-0 draw and penalties against Slovakia later this evening.

“The real concern is for the millions watching at home. After watching either performance they should not drive, operate machinery or consume alcohol for at least 24 hours,” said the NHS doctor.

“The highest risk group is the overlap audience who consume both. This would be especially dangerous if a patient has recorded Coldplay and plans to watch it immediately before or after the England game. We strongly advise against this. And under no circumstances should anyone watch Gareth Soutgate’s pre or post game interview.”

The NHS has also stated that anyone who has suffered exposure to Coldplay or the England team can aid their recovery by listening to some decent music or watching a proper game of football.

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