Catherine Martin to remake new greener RTE

Minister for Media Catherine Martin has had enough of the constant scandals from state broadcaster RTE.

The deputy leader of the Green Party today announced that RTE’s entire structure and offering would be ripped up and relaunched with a new green agenda.

“It just never ends with these entitled assholes,” said Martin. “And now my position is in question it’s time to act.”

RTGREEN, as the broadcaster will now be known, will immediately commit to zero emission, carbon neutral offerings.

“RTGREEN is about quality, not mindless quantity,” said Martin. “All electricity will come from Green members pedalling furiously in a bank of specially installed bicycles. This will reduce programming time to 2-3 hours a day.

We will save on so called ‘star’ salaries by having all programmes presented by Green TDs. Content will be educational, humourless and promote environmental awareness.

I will take on the combined roles of the entire executive team for only half of their combined salaries and pension.”

Martin believes that the radical reform will “renew public faith in RTGREEN” and “present value for the license fee.”

And if that doesn’t work Martin has promised to drive the green agenda even further.

“If it’s just an hour a day of Eamon Ryan sitting at a campfire singing Kumbaya with an acoustic guitar, I’m willing to do it.”

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