Irish scientists discover alternative ‘guff’ power

Irish consumers are feeling the pinch of the biggest inflation hike in years, with utility rates and petrol prices soaring to record levels.

However, research scientists from University College Cork (UCC) have discovered an exciting low cost fuel alternative – guff.

“Guff is a natural resource that we have in abundance,” said a UCC spokesperson. “As a nation we’re prone to talking absolute bollocks, and none more so than our politicians. So, why not put that guff to use?”

The scientists recorded a month’s worth of Oireachtas TV and have successfully experimented in using the looped footage to power generators, boilers and car engines.

“This is an exciting breakthrough. We’re continuing to refine our processes, but our current data shows guff from one hour of political debate can fuel an average family car travelling from Cork to Limerick.

And we wouldn’t even need to modify existing vehicles. Drivers could simply download Oireachtas audio or video to their mobile device and play in car.”

The UCC team has pinpointed Kerry TDs Michael and Danny Healy-Rae as a particularly rich source of guff. They are also exploring secondary guff sources from RTE programming such as Claire Byrne Live and Primetime.

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