The United States military prison in Guantanamo Bay has long been a source of controversy, with suspected terrorists are routinely subject to torture and indefinite detention,
However, new reports detail a fresh horror greater than anything Guantanamo has previously seen: Ed Sheeran.
Songs from the English pop-stars latest album = have been pumped into cells 24/7 since its release last month. The results have been astounding.
“We have tried aural torture methods previously, streaming non-stop Coldplay and Snow Patrol, with mixed results,” said a CIA representative. “With Ed we’ve had a 100% hit rate. We’ve never seen anything so effective.”
Prisioners subjected to constant repetition of = have lost the will to live within 24 hours, with many suffering multiple organ failure and rigor mortis.
“We’ve built sound proof booths and use noise-cancelling headphones to protect our operatives,” said the CIA representative. “One operative heard half the album and was incapacitated for weeks.”
A spokesperson for Ed Sheeran welcomed the news, stating that “Ed’s music is designed to appeal to as wide an audience as possible. It’s great to think hits like Shivers and Bad Habits are brightening the long days for the incarcerated.”