Films with Dion Hegarty – No Time to Die

James Bond is back. And I couldn’t give a shit.

The above was the review I originally submitted to the DTTN editor, but he sent me back to the cinema to watch again and write a ‘proper review.’ The heartless bastard.

No Time to Die is the latest in the interminable series of British spy films, and the last featuring constipated underwear model Daniel Craig in the lead role.

People say the James Bond films are great action flicks. They’re wrong. Pointless fucking gadgets, tuxedos and drinking martinis do not make for great action.

What Bond really lacks is the kind of no nonsense ass kicking embodied by Arnie in his seminal role as Colonel John Matrix in Commando.

Matrix didn’t drink martinis, only the blood of his enemies. He didn’t need an exploding watch or an egg timer that doubled as a knife – he just shot the shit out of everyone. And he definitely never wore a fucking tuxedo.

Daniel Craig may be fucking off back to modelling expensive Y fronts, but no doubt the producers will overlook Arnie again and give the role to some equally constipated type, as the already dire standards of modern cinema continue to plunge

In the immortal words of Colonel Matrix: Fuck you, assholes.

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