Doctors to prescribe Mark Selby as insomnia cure

Doctors are to prescribe world snooker champion Mark Selby as a cure for insomnia.

The ironically monikered Jester from Leicester, who has defeated Shaun Murphy to win his fourth world crown, is renowned for his lugubrious manner and deathly dull playing style.

“During this pandemic we have seen an increase in patients reporting sleep disruption due to increased anxiety levels,” said a Pfizer spokesperson. “While traditional treatments remain effective, this holistic Selby approach is opening up new possibilities.”

Selby, who has been sending roomfuls of spectators in Sheffield to sleep for the past fortnight, is believed to possess a unique narcoleptic quality.

“Even standing in his vicinity wears you out – just look at what happened to his opponents,” said the Pfizer spokesperson. “Our chemists have taken Selby swabs and are working hard on producing liquid and capsule variants.”

The new product, Selbyozide, is being targeted for immediate release, with doctors already offering enthusiastic endorsements.

“I watched some of the snooker final earlier today,” said one GP. “After two frames of grinding safety play I was out like a light. I woke up to his victory speech and had to quickly switch off the TV before I slipped into a coma.”

DTTN attempted to contact Mark Selby for comment but nodded off as we typed out his name.

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