Fresh from the news that quarter one profits dropped by 71% Tesla have been dealt a further blow as a local driver has reported a 150% increase in dirty looks.
Sage O’Sullivan (38), who has owned a Tesla since 2023, has been left shaken by the dirty looks, which she has been more used to giving out than receiving.
“I’ve always been environmentally conscious,” said O’Sullivan. “I recycle everything, even if the label says it’s not suitable and I’m very active shaming corporations on social media. Tesla seemed the perfect fit for me.”
As the Catholic world mourns the death of Pope Francis an unlikely successor has emerged in the form of US President Donald Trump.
“The Pope has died, so sad,” said The Melon Felon. “That’s why you shouldn’t put sleepy old men in office. The Vatican needs someone young and vital, like me. Doctors say I would be the healthiest Pope to ever live and would look tremendous in a pointy hat.
A local troll was left devastated last night after Rory McIlroy ended his eleven year major drought in dramatic style by winning The Masters in Augusta.
Ray Putter (27), who had spent the last decade posting hateful nonsense on a range of social media platforms under the handle ‘RoryChokzlol’, is now facing an existential crisis with his identity shattered.
US President Donald Trump just can’t stop making headlines, but his latest revelations have shocked even the most jaded observers.
Trump told reporters at The White House that his brain has been replaced by a hamster called ‘Hammy’, who dictates all his actions.
“Many people are in awe of what I’m doing,” said the Melon Felon. “The numbers, the tariffs, are so tremendously good. ‘President Trump, Sir,’ they say, ‘how do you continue to make such amazing decisions?’
The global economy has been left reeling this week after Donald Trump completed his school project of creating random tariff rates for every country he knows the name of, and some he doesn’t.
The US President proudly displayed his tariff board at a White House press conference, with Trump staffers confirming that the Melon Felon cut out all the numbers by himself and didn’t even ask a grown-up help him use the scissors.
Concerns have been raised by international aid organisations as convicted sex offenders met in The White House this St. Patrick’s Day.
The alarm comes as former UFC fighter and sex offender Conor McGregor travelled to Washington to meet former reality TV star and sex offender Donald Trump.
Marcus Rashford and celebrity chef Jamie Oliver have joined forces in a campaign to restore free lunches for beleaguered Manchester United staff.
Full lunches have reportedly been replaced at Old Trafford by a piece of fruit and at the club’s Carrington training ground by soup and a sandwich as partial owner ‘Brexit’ Jim Ratcliffe continues to cut costs.
Melon felon Donald Trump has continued his attack on Volodymyr Zelenskyy, claiming that the Ukrainian leader is just Osama bin Laden in disguise.
“Think about it folks,” said the tangerine rapist. “Bin Laden was ‘taken out’ by the Obama administration. The Democrats couldn’t even take out their trash!
My super intelligence, so much intelligence, is telling me that Obama, if that is his real name, folks, was part of a plot, a very deadly un-American plot to raise the price of eggs and relocate bin Laden and the eggs to Ukraine.
A local man has created a stir by taking a blow up doll out for a romantic Valentine’s dinner at Don Carlos’ Italian restaurant.
Johnny Romeo (28) booked a table for two at the popular eatery with his date ‘Jennifer,’ named after his favourite Hollywood star Jennifer Lawrence.
“It’s all pure classy,” said Romeo. “I dressed her up like Jennifer’s character Katniss from The Hunger Games. But left the bow and arrow at home!”
Despite spending the duration of their meal getting perturbed glances from other diners, Romeo thoroughly enjoyed his large Hawaiian pizza and side of cheesy garlic bread. Jennifer did not order.
“She’s on a diet for her next role. I don’t like the crusts, so she had them. And we shared a bottle of wine,” said Romeo.
Romeo took the unorthodox move after growing tired of the usual dating apps.
“I’ve tried them all, but I never get a bite,” said the software engineer. “I posted all types of photos – sensitive with a puppy, intellectual holding a book and even some saucy dick pics for a select few lucky ladies. Jennifer doesn’t care about any of that. She just accepts me as I am.”
Following their meal the pair adjourned to Romeo’s apartment where they relaxed by watching one of Jennifer’s movies, before retiring for an early night.
Fresh from claims that he would turn Gaza into a holiday resort, US President Donald Trump has pivoted and now plans to create the world’s largest golf course.
“Who doesn’t love golf?” said The Melon Felon. “I love golf. I have courses in Ireland and Scotland. Great courses, the best. But Gaza could be something special, so big, so beautiful.
