Satirical Irish News
Ireland rugby captain Johnny Sexton is set to succeed Ryan Tubridy as the host of The Late Late Show, DTTN understands.
The surprise appointment is sure to put a few noses out of joint at Montrose, but Sexton appears to be relishing the challenge.
Continue reading “Johnny Sexton to become next Late Late Show host”By Sir Rupert Ramsbottom-Wigglechin III
There’s been a load of balderdash spoken about Gary Lineker and his Match of the Day chums in the past few days, and frankly it’s putting me right off my gin and victuals.
As I’ve said to anyone who’ll listen; the maid, the gardener, the nanny, BBC lifers like Lineker are overpaid, institutionalised, and out of touch with reality. The man wouldn’t know hardship if it hit him with a rolled up copy of The Daily Mail.
Continue reading “Opinion: Gary Lineker is out of touch with reality”
Spanish football giant Barcelona has shocked the sporting world by making an audacious bid for former US President Donald Trump.
The Catalan club, which is pulling more levers than a bus load of OAPs on a weekend in Vegas, has already signed five players this summer despite not paying the full wages of a number of squad members.
Continue reading “Barcelona make shock Trump transfer bid”
Russian government officials are to take on the running of the Premier League’s Video Assistant Referee (VAR) system from next season.
VAR, which was designed to eliminate controversy from the game, has only added an extra layer of incompetence to proceedings. But it seems the Premier League has found a solution.
Continue reading “Russian Officials to take over running of Premier League VAR”
A local priest is awaiting his penance after drunkenly horsing into the communion host on Sunday evening.
Fr. Seamus Cleary had gone to watch the big match at the local pub, with the intention of having a couple of glasses of stout.
Continue reading “Local priest horses into communion host after feed of pints”
Cristiano Ronaldo shocked the football world today by agreeing a return to Manchester United, twelve years after leaving Old Trafford for Real Madrid.
Ronaldo had been widely expected to sign for Manchester City, but the lure of lining up alongside the likes of Phil Jones and Scott McTominay proved too much for the Portuguese star.
Continue reading “Ronaldo to Manchester United – The Inside Story”
Football fans around the country are calling for indoor pub service to be brought forward to allow us laugh at England’s inevitable disastrous exit from Euro 2020.
“Laughing at English failures in the football is a great national tradition,” said a fan spokesperson. “Especially when we haven’t qualified yet again.”
Continue reading “Football fans urge early pub reopening to allow us laugh at England”
Doctors are to prescribe world snooker champion Mark Selby as a cure for insomnia.
The ironically monikered Jester from Leicester, who has defeated Shaun Murphy to win his fourth world crown, is renowned for his lugubrious manner and deathly dull playing style.
Continue reading “Doctors to prescribe Mark Selby as insomnia cure”
With less than 48 hours passing between its announcement and the Premier League clubs withdrawing, the European Super League was shot down faster than an African-American in a gated community.
Details leaked in the media were sketchy. However, DTTN has obtained a secret dossier after lobbing Florentino Perez a fiver and a book of expired McDonald’s vouchers.
Continue reading “Exclusive: Inside plans for the abandoned European Super League”
Premier league leaders Liverpool have tweeted confirmation that they are claiming victory in the current season, despite only seven games being played.
“We have claimed, for championship purposes, the Premier League season,” said the club’s official Twitter account. “The table shows a BIG Liverpool lead.”
Continue reading “Liverpool tweet Premier League victory claims”