Local Influencer traumatised by ‘gaudy’ election posters

A local influencer has been left traumatised after weeks of exposure to posters for the upcoming local and European elections.

“They’re just so gaudy, so tacky,” said Camilla Chamomile (25), “the colour schemes are sickly, the shots off centre. So, so just not Insta worthy.”

Chamomile has been so upset by the posters that she is now afraid to leave her apartment until after election day on 7th June.

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Sunak promises uplifting musical campaign

UK Prime Minister Rishi Sunak’s election announcement was upstaged yesterday by both the rain and a wag playing Things Can Only Get Better by D:Ream.

The song was famously used by Tony Blair when Labour swept to election victory in 1997.

The Tory head lizard reacted by stating that Election 2024 would be an uplifting musical experience for the electorate.

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Local man disappointed that portal doesn’t lead to Narnia

The Dublin-New York livestream portal is back online. And while many have complained about heavy-handed moderation, one local man is dealing with a whole other level of disappointment.

Colm Lewis (54), who travelled to Dublin by bus yesterday, shocked onlookers when he attempted to fling himself through the portal on North Earl Street.

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Lamar-Drake diss war inspires politicians around the world

The ongoing diss war between hip-hop stars Kendrick Lamar and Drake has captivated the entertainment world in the last week.

And many politicians have taken inspiration from the feuding rap titans, whose tracks have contained allegations of paedophilia and domestic abuse, with Lamar’s latest diss track Not Like Us appears providing particular inspiration.

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Harris and Sunak to decide asylum seeker’s fate over game of Rock Paper Scissors

According to recent reports 80% of people seeking asylum in Ireland are arriving here via Northern Ireland.

That’s something British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak is particularly pleased about, as his threat of shipping asylum seekers off to Rwanda appears to be an effective deterrent.

However, Taoiseach Simon Harris is sick of Sunak’s shit and has challenged him to a game of Rock Paper Scissors to decide the fate of the asylum applicants.

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Racists criticise Gardai for spoiling their fun

Racists around the country have reacted angrily to scenes in Newtownmountkennedy, Co, Wicklow last night, where Gardai clashed with protestors outside a site earmarked for asylum seekers.

“It’s a disgrace,” said a spokesperson for Wicklow Says No. “We have a right to protest and were innocently setting buildings on fire and smashing Garda cars with axes when the riot police came along and brutalised us. We’re living in a police state.

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Social welfare applications to be assessed through TikTok

Assessment of applications for jobseeker’s allowance, illness benefit and a range of other payments is to get a radical overhaul, the Department of Social Welfare has announced.

Instead of having to fill out forms applicants will be able to upload a 30 second TikTok video to the department website outlining why they deserve payment.

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Taylor Swift fan spontaneously combusts following release of extra tracks

A Taylor Swift fan has tragically died after spontaneously combusting.

The incident occurred after the singer released a surprise additional 15 tracks for a double edition of her new album The Tortured Poets Department in the early hours of Friday morning.

Mega ‘Swiftie’ Coco Corcoran (19) was listening to the album with friends when news of the additional tracks broke.

“It was awful,” said one friend. “One minute we were all singing along to Fortnight, the next thing we know charred bits of Coco were all over the room. My top was ruined.”

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Opinion: These four colour biros are pure magic

By John E. Bland, Post Office worker

There is a school of thought that human civilisation has already peaked and that we are hitting the downslope. Whoever thinks that has never used one of these incredible four colour Bic pens.

I only discovered the pen a few weeks ago when a colleague lent me hers. And my mind was blown. Apparently they’ve been around for years, but I’ve never noticed! They’re the greatest invention since the internet.

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