Category: Local

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Local man plans on owning Ireland’s first Cybertruck

A local man has announced his plans to acquire Ireland’s first Cybertruck.

Eoin Mutch (58) told anyone in the pub who’d listen, and several who didn’t want to, that he’d already been in contact with Tesla to acquire one of their controversial electric trucks.

The Cybertruck, which is not yet available in Europe, retails in the US at around $100,000 and has attracted negative reviews for it’s design flaws, quickness to break down and looking like a tin of beans on wheels.

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Local woman plans on being Rupert Murdoch’s sixth wife

Media mogul lizard Rupert Murdoch made the headlines again this weekend after getting married for the fifth time.

The Australian (93) tied the knot with Elena Zhukova (67) in California on Saturday, but one local woman is already looking ahead to Murdoch’s next marriage.

Sharon Curley (64), a retired hairdresser and former proprietor of Short and Curleys salon, told DTTN that she had already sent a detailed proposal to Fox Executives to pass on to Murdoch.

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Local Influencer traumatised by ‘gaudy’ election posters

A local influencer has been left traumatised after weeks of exposure to posters for the upcoming local and European elections.

“They’re just so gaudy, so tacky,” said Camilla Chamomile (25), “the colour schemes are sickly, the shots off centre. So, so just not Insta worthy.”

Chamomile has been so upset by the posters that she is now afraid to leave her apartment until after election day on 7th June.

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Social welfare applications to be assessed through TikTok

Assessment of applications for jobseeker’s allowance, illness benefit and a range of other payments is to get a radical overhaul, the Department of Social Welfare has announced.

Instead of having to fill out forms applicants will be able to upload a 30 second TikTok video to the department website outlining why they deserve payment.

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Opinion: These four colour biros are pure magic

By John E. Bland, Post Office worker

There is a school of thought that human civilisation has already peaked and that we are hitting the downslope. Whoever thinks that has never used one of these incredible four colour Bic pens.

I only discovered the pen a few weeks ago when a colleague lent me hers. And my mind was blown. Apparently they’ve been around for years, but I’ve never noticed! They’re the greatest invention since the internet.

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Local man topping up Credit Union loan to afford pints

A local man has revealed that he is topping up his Credit Union loan every week to afford pints.

And Podge Jameson (45) is set for even more financial struggle after Diageo announced yet another price increase.

“It’s a disgrace,” said Jameson. “It seems the days of having 20 quiet pints and driving home of a Friday or Saturday are at an end. They’re killing rural Ireland.”

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Local man planning to wear shorts yet again despite weather warning

A local man is planning to wear shorts for the rest of the weekend despite a nationwide ice warning coming into place tonight.

Temperatures look set to drop to -2 degrees, but Andy Duff (59) just isn’t having any of it.

“I wear my shorts every day taking the dog for a walk, or popping out to buy the paper,” said Duff, “a bit of cold isn’t going to stop me.”

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