Satirical Irish News
A local woman has admitted she regrets getting surgery to have eyes inserted into the back of her head.
Noseen O’Neill (39), who had Ireland’s first ‘eyectomy’ performed by controversial surgeon Dr. Nick Riviera, thought the procedure would be “handy for watching the kids when I’m busy, or watching Coronation Street and Eastenders at the same time.”
Continue reading “Local woman regrets getting eyes in back of her head”
As controversy grows around children being served 0% drinks in pubs one local drinker has expressed his disdain for the whole malarkey.
Jimmy O’Dea (64), who has been a solid pinter for a good 50 years, told DTTN that the problem wasn’t the children being served, but that they weren’t drinking the right stuff.
Continue reading “Local drinker scoffs at ‘soft’ children consuming 0% beer”
A local man has started up a new enterprise bottling the sunshine from our current good weather and selling it to eager punters.
Derek Trader (56) who dabbles in a bit of this, a bit of that, you know yourself, chanced upon the idea as a way to shift a consignment of mason jars that had been clogging up his garage for the past six months.
Continue reading “Local man bottling and selling sunshine as ‘Irish Gold’”
A local woman has been barred from the supermarket after standing in front of their fridges for hours without purchasing anything during the hottest day of the year so far.
Hannah Hotflush (28), who is always roasting, even when it snows, took refuge in the supermarket as the 20 degree plus temperatures got her hot under the collar.
Continue reading “Local woman barred from supermarket after standing by fridges for hours during heatwave”
A Liverpool fan has created consternation by purchasing the local off-licence’s entire stock to celebrate his team winning their 20th league title.
Bob Klopp (44) made the gargantuan purchase over the weekend before watching his beloved Reds spank Spurs 5-1 at a packed Anfield.
Continue reading “Local Liverpool fan buys entire off-licence stock in celebration”
Fresh from the news that quarter one profits dropped by 71% Tesla have been dealt a further blow as a local driver has reported a 150% increase in dirty looks.
Sage O’Sullivan (38), who has owned a Tesla since 2023, has been left shaken by the dirty looks, which she has been more used to giving out than receiving.
“I’ve always been environmentally conscious,” said O’Sullivan. “I recycle everything, even if the label says it’s not suitable and I’m very active shaming corporations on social media. Tesla seemed the perfect fit for me.”
Continue reading “Local Tesla owner reports 150% increase in dirty looks”
A local teenager has been left confused after encountering a CD for the first time during today’s Spotify outage.
Billy Silly (15) usually listens to his Spotify playlists when studying, but was left without music when the streaming service was temporarily unavailable.
Continue reading “Local teenager encounters CD following Spotify outage”
A local troll was left devastated last night after Rory McIlroy ended his eleven year major drought in dramatic style by winning The Masters in Augusta.
Ray Putter (27), who had spent the last decade posting hateful nonsense on a range of social media platforms under the handle ‘RoryChokzlol’, is now facing an existential crisis with his identity shattered.
Continue reading “Local online troll left bereft after McIlroy Masters win”
A local man has been charged with public indecency after being caught sunbathing naked in his back garden while working from home.
Willy Moore (34) caused a ruckus when he decided to take advantage of the fine weather by taking calls in on a sun lounger in his back garden.
Continue reading “Local man arrested for sunbathing naked in back garden”
A local shopkeeper has been lauded after refusing to serve a strange man he’d never seen before.
Alfie O’Donovan, who has run Alfie’s corner shop since 1982, was left shaken after a mysterious man entered his premises looking to purchase a box of Marlboro Gold.
“This is a local shop for local people,” said O’Donovan. “I know all my customers, from Mrs. O’Reilly and her clementine obsession to Mr. Hayes who buys ten packs of Polo Mints a day. This lad, well, he just wasn’t local.