Local woman regrets getting eyes in back of her head

A local woman has admitted she regrets getting surgery to have eyes inserted into the back of her head.

Noseen O’Neill (39), who had Ireland’s first ‘eyectomy’ performed by controversial surgeon Dr. Nick Riviera, thought the procedure would be “handy for watching the kids when I’m busy, or watching Coronation Street and Eastenders at the same time.”

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Local man bottling and selling sunshine as ‘Irish Gold’

A local man has started up a new enterprise bottling the sunshine from our current good weather and selling it to eager punters.

Derek Trader (56) who dabbles in a bit of this, a bit of that, you know yourself, chanced upon the idea as a way to shift a consignment of mason jars that had been clogging up his garage for the past six months.

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Local woman barred from supermarket after standing by fridges for hours during heatwave

A local woman has been barred from the supermarket after standing in front of their fridges for hours without purchasing anything during the hottest day of the year so far.

Hannah Hotflush (28), who is always roasting, even when it snows, took refuge in the supermarket as the 20 degree plus temperatures got her hot under the collar.

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Local Tesla owner reports 150% increase in dirty looks

Fresh from the news that quarter one profits dropped by 71% Tesla have been dealt a further blow as a local driver has reported a 150% increase in dirty looks.

Sage O’Sullivan (38), who has owned a Tesla since 2023, has been left shaken by the dirty looks, which she has been more used to giving out than receiving.

“I’ve always been environmentally conscious,” said O’Sullivan. “I recycle everything, even if the label says it’s not suitable and I’m very active shaming corporations on social media. Tesla seemed the perfect fit for me.”

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Local online troll left bereft after McIlroy Masters win

A local troll was left devastated last night after Rory McIlroy ended his eleven year major drought in dramatic style by winning The Masters in Augusta.

Ray Putter (27), who had spent the last decade posting hateful nonsense on a range of social media platforms under the handle ‘RoryChokzlol’, is now facing an existential crisis with his identity shattered.

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Local shopkeeper refuses to serve ‘DEI’ stranger

A local shopkeeper has been lauded after refusing to serve a strange man he’d never seen before.

Alfie O’Donovan, who has run Alfie’s corner shop since 1982, was left shaken after a mysterious man entered his premises looking to purchase a box of Marlboro Gold.


“This is a local shop for local people,” said O’Donovan. “I know all my customers, from Mrs. O’Reilly and her clementine obsession to Mr. Hayes who buys ten packs of Polo Mints a day. This lad, well, he just wasn’t local.

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