Opinion: Gary Lineker is out of touch with reality

By Sir Rupert Ramsbottom-Wigglechin III

There’s been a load of balderdash spoken about Gary Lineker and his Match of the Day chums in the past few days, and frankly it’s putting me right off my gin and victuals.

As I’ve said to anyone who’ll listen; the maid, the gardener, the nanny, BBC lifers like Lineker are overpaid, institutionalised, and out of touch with reality. The man wouldn’t know hardship if it hit him with a rolled up copy of The Daily Mail.

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Local woman buys ill-fitting shoes, nearly ruins cousin’s wedding

A local woman was outraged after the shoes she was to wear to her cousin’s wedding did not fit, despite only ordering them two days before the ceremony.

   Rosie Strokes was shocked upon the shoe’s arrival to discover they were slightly too tight.

    “I mean, I’m a size four, I’ve always been a size four. The online retailer I ordered from should have known this,” said Strokes. “What is going on with their crazy sizings!”

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King Charles battles pen as preparations for Queen’s funeral continue

As the UK continues to mourn Queen Elizabeth II, her successor King Charles III has been growing accustomed to his new role.

Monday brought the good news that Charles would be exempt from inheritance tax on the vast fortune he is being bequeathed. The monarch celebrated by putting staff at his Clarence House residence on notice for redundancy.

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Garth Brooks gigs to ignite 2023 birth rate explosion

Country superstar Garth Brooks is in the midst of a five night residency at Croke Park. And Data Scientists from UCD are predicting that the singer will be sending fans home with more than a smile and a Stetson.

With 400,000 fans in attendance, the gigs are the nation’s greatest collective event since Pope John Paul II graced The Phoenix Park in 1979. The Pope’s visit resulted in a spike in child births nine months later, and according to UCD boffins the summer of 2023 could see similar results.

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Martin and Varadkar pay tribute to Collins, shame his legacy

An Taoiseach Micheal Martin and Tanaiste Leo Varadkar have paid tribute to Michael Collins in a special ceremony at Beal na Blaith to commemorate the 100 year anniversary of his death.

“Michael Collins was killed for standing up his convictions,” said Martin. “Thankfully that would not happen today, as we no longer require our politicians to have any. We just muddle through and get re-elected every five years without fixing anything.”

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