Satirical Irish News
Liverpool’s game against Arsenal yesterday was shrouded in controversy as their departing star Trent Alexander-Arnold was booed incessantly by the Anfield faithful.
And the booing has had a profound impact on the future Balloon D’Or winner, who in a shocking twist is now set to reject a long anticipated move to the Bernabeu of Real Madrid in favour of a switch across the city to the Bernaboo of Everton.
Continue reading “Boo Addicted Trent Alexander-Arnold to sign for Everton”
Newly elected Pope Leo XIV is to undertake one of his first papal duties in Ireland by travelling to Craggy Island to bless the Holy Stone of Clonrichert.
The stone was upgraded to a Class II relic in 1996, but there was controversy during the ceremony when of the three bishops present one left the church, one died and another had the Holy Stone forcefully shoved up his posterior.
Continue reading “Pope Leo XIV to bless Holy Stone of Clonrichert”
As controversy grows around children being served 0% drinks in pubs one local drinker has expressed his disdain for the whole malarkey.
Jimmy O’Dea (64), who has been a solid pinter for a good 50 years, told DTTN that the problem wasn’t the children being served, but that they weren’t drinking the right stuff.
Continue reading “Local drinker scoffs at ‘soft’ children consuming 0% beer”
Snooker fans across Ireland are tonight calling for a boycott of Chinese takeaways after Zhao Xintong stormed to victory over Mark Williams, becoming the first Chinese player to win the snooker World Championship.
Zhao left snooker enthusiasts short changed by defeating Ronnie O’Sullivan in the semi-final with a session to spare and winning tonight’s final after just five frames in the final session.
Continue reading “Snooker fans boycotting local Chinese takeaways following Zhao victory”
A local man has started up a new enterprise bottling the sunshine from our current good weather and selling it to eager punters.
Derek Trader (56) who dabbles in a bit of this, a bit of that, you know yourself, chanced upon the idea as a way to shift a consignment of mason jars that had been clogging up his garage for the past six months.
Continue reading “Local man bottling and selling sunshine as ‘Irish Gold’”
A local woman has been barred from the supermarket after standing in front of their fridges for hours without purchasing anything during the hottest day of the year so far.
Hannah Hotflush (28), who is always roasting, even when it snows, took refuge in the supermarket as the 20 degree plus temperatures got her hot under the collar.
Continue reading “Local woman barred from supermarket after standing by fridges for hours during heatwave”
A Liverpool fan has created consternation by purchasing the local off-licence’s entire stock to celebrate his team winning their 20th league title.
Bob Klopp (44) made the gargantuan purchase over the weekend before watching his beloved Reds spank Spurs 5-1 at a packed Anfield.
Continue reading “Local Liverpool fan buys entire off-licence stock in celebration”
Fresh from the news that quarter one profits dropped by 71% Tesla have been dealt a further blow as a local driver has reported a 150% increase in dirty looks.
Sage O’Sullivan (38), who has owned a Tesla since 2023, has been left shaken by the dirty looks, which she has been more used to giving out than receiving.
“I’ve always been environmentally conscious,” said O’Sullivan. “I recycle everything, even if the label says it’s not suitable and I’m very active shaming corporations on social media. Tesla seemed the perfect fit for me.”
Continue reading “Local Tesla owner reports 150% increase in dirty looks”
As the Catholic world mourns the death of Pope Francis an unlikely successor has emerged in the form of US President Donald Trump.
“The Pope has died, so sad,” said The Melon Felon. “That’s why you shouldn’t put sleepy old men in office. The Vatican needs someone young and vital, like me. Doctors say I would be the healthiest Pope to ever live and would look tremendous in a pointy hat.
Continue reading “Trump declares intention to become Pope, make Vatican 51st state”
A local teenager has been left confused after encountering a CD for the first time during today’s Spotify outage.
Billy Silly (15) usually listens to his Spotify playlists when studying, but was left without music when the streaming service was temporarily unavailable.
Continue reading “Local teenager encounters CD following Spotify outage”