“So much winning” – Trump breaks records for civil fines

Former US President Donald Trump is today celebrating after breaking more records in civil court actions.

Trump has been ordered to pay $355 million for fraud and banned from running businesses in New York for three years. This follows last month’s ruling that the fraudster owed writer E. Jean Carroll $83m for sexual assault.

“Every time I go to court I’m breaking records, so many records” said the sex offender. “These judges can charge what they want, but it means nothing. I am a wealthy man. So much money, it’s beautiful folks.”

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Taylor Swift single-handedly wins Super Bowl for Kansas City

Pop superstar Taylor Swift is today celebrating being the first woman to win the Super Bowl after her Kansas City Chiefs beat the San Francisco 49ers in a dramatic overtime finish.

Swift was named player of the match after throwing and catching the pass for the winning touchdown. Swift also kicked the field goal that took the game to overtime and made a crucial block on a 49er conversion attempt.

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Worldwide audience expected for American Advertising Bowl

Viewers from around the world are keenly anticipating tonight’s annual American Advertising Bowl, as our favourite corporations reveal exciting new 30 second TV spots.

The Advertising Bowl, the world’s most watched advertising programming, is expected to feature fresh content from Bud Light, Coors and BMW amongst others.

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Local bachelor gets internet, confused it won’t work on old Nokia phone

Local bachelor gets internet, confused it won’t work on old Nokia phone

A local bachelor has finally gotten the internet installed, but is upset after realising it would not work on his ancient Nokia handset

Timmy Greengrass (67), who lives alone on the family farm told DTTN that he found this modern technology lark fierce confusing.

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Study finds Meghan Markle to blame for Charles’ cancer, all problems in UK

A new study commissioned by The Daily Mail has found that Meghan Markle is the root cause of King Charles III’s cancer diagnosis, along with everything that has gone wrong for anyone living in The United Kingdom since 2018.

“This is a shocking finding,” said a Daily Mail source. “We always knew Meghan was an evil American harpy, but even we are shocked by the depth of her depravity. She should be fired head first from a canon immediately.”

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