Author: Down the Town

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Republicans scramble to maintain advantage for ‘youngest man alive’ Trump

Following yesterday’s bombshell that incumbent Joe Biden will not contest the US Presidential election, Republicans are pivoting hard as it dawns that Donald Trump (78) is statistically closer to senility than Kamala Harris (59).

“We’d captured the youth vote against Biden,” said one Trump campaigner. “Donald is still vital, still the youngest man alive, and Kamala Harris can’t change that. The man is so young he wears diapers, for crissake! Kamala doesn’t even own a diaper.”

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Opinion: 55 Years since ‘moon landing’ – the greatest con-job in human history

By: Willy E. Coyote, Local Historian

Today marks the 55 year anniversary of the 1969 American ‘moon landing’ when ‘astronauts’ Buzz Aldrin, Michael Collins and Neil Armstrong supposedly set foot on the lunar surface.

Official America will mark this is a cause for celebration, but the only achievement was the greatest, and most elaborate, con-job in human history.

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Southgate to become next James Bond

Former England footballer manager Gareth Southgate is in line to become the next James Bond, producers have announced.

Southgate, who bravely led the Three Lions to a further eight years hurt, is considered the perfect candidate to drag the often archaic franchise into the 21st century.

“Gareth created a friendlier, more inclusive England. And we want to use his skill set to create a friendlier, more inclusive Bond,” said a source.

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Local conspiracy theorist feeling vindicated following Trump assassination attempt

A local conspiracy theorist is enjoying an ‘I told you so’ moment following the assassination attempt on former US President Donald Trump at a rally in Pennsylvania.

“The deep state Dems conspiracy is behind this,” said Stewie Bannon (57). “First they called him a sex offender, it didn’t stick. Then they called him a felon. That didn’t stick either. Now they’re so desperate they tried to kill him.

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Films with Dion Hegarty – Despicable Me 4

Supervillians aren’t what they used to be.

Gru from the Despicable Me series is voiced by a 40 year old virgin and lives a dull suburban existence with his wife, four children and strange yellow pets.

Previously he had plans to steal the moon, but all he’s doing now is dreading his high school reunion. How bourgeois. Are we supposed to root for this colourless eunuch? And since when are villains protagonists?

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Deposed Tory Big Beasts release Africa cover version

Several high profile Tory ‘Big Beasts’ who lost their seats in last week’s general election have banded together to release a unique cover version of Africa by Toto.

Penny Mordaunt, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Liz Truss and more have been busy in the studio, recording a lament to the Tories Rwanda plan, which was callously scrapped by new Prime Minister Keir Starmer.

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Roderic O’Gorman to turn nation into giant cycle path

Roderic O’Gorman has today been elected as the new leader of the Green Party. And the Dubliner did not wait long to unveil audacious plans to turn the entire country into one giant cycle path.

“We’ve already laid down hundreds of kilometres of cycle paths in unsafe and unsuitable locations that very few, if any, cyclists will ever use,” said O’ Gorman. “People will say the Greens are out of touch doing this, but it is the people who are wrong.

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