Following last night’s Europa League final defeat to Spurs, Manchester United’s football overlord ‘Brexit’ Jim Ratcliffe has announced a new raft of sweeping cuts to compensate for the club missing out on a Champion’s League qualification windfall.
“We couldn’t even beat a meme side like Spurs,” said Brexit Jim. “We’re the meme now, but memes don’t pay the bills.”
Luke Shaw, whose own goal cost United the match, and goalkeeper Andre Onana, so beloved by opposition fans, are understood to be the first players being sold to Pfizer for unspecified medical experiments.
“We need to get the wage bill down,” said Brexit Jim. “And if our players are too rubbish to get a new club we’ll make alternative arrangements.”
The club is also offering fans the chance to purchase commemorative Europa League Finalist Burger Buns, which had been earmarked for a now abandoned victory barbecue, for £500 per bun half.
“To the naked eye they’re just Aldi burger buns,” said Brexit Jim, “but senior INEOS executives have stood in the same room as these buns. It’ll give fans the chance to mark our incredible evening in Bilbao where we would have won a trophy if we weren’t so shit.”
Other measures being considered by INEOS are believed to include launching a range of ‘Sweet 16’ branded MUFC products (league finish dependent), replacing Ruben Amorim with a hologram of Matt Busby and fully automating the playing side of the business.