Local man doesn’t want power back anytime soon

It’s been two weeks since Storm Éowyn hit the country and more than 25,000 homes are still without power.

Parts of Galway, Mayo and Roscommon have been worst hit, and there have been calls for compensation to be paid for affected customers.

However, one local man is revelling in his temporary electricity free life.

Jack Flash (54) told DTTN that he was delighted at the savings he was making on his electric bill, which is usually “a fucking dose” to pay.

“Ham and cheese sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Sure, we’re living like kings,” said Flash. “Im not paying for any of that takeaway muck. It’s real food for us.

Showers with the hose out of the back and a splash of Radox, pure magic. The kids moan, but sure aren’t these cold showers all the rage? Gets the blood pumping.”

Flash’s children have also been traumatised by the lack of electronic devices leading to increased family time.

“Sure, we’re having great chats,” said Flash. “The kids are loving all my old stories, especially how I scored the winning point in the U-16 county semi-final. I tell that one every night. They pretend to be asleep, but sure they love it.”

Flash’s family are staying warm by wearing six jumpers at all times and huddling together in bed at night.

His wife and kids are counting down the days until the power returns.

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Worried aides trying to keep Trump away from South Park film

White House officials are desperately scrambling today to keep knowledge of South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut from President Trump.

The 1999 film saw the US, led by South Park resident Sheila Broflovski, declare war on Canada over the foul-mouthed antics of Canadian entertainers Terrance and Phillip.

Fresh from slapping 25% tariffs on Canadian goods, it is understand the Orange Felon remains bullish, and may be looking to make further moves to punish the 51st state. And evangelical Christian groups are understood to be pushing for censorship on Canadian ‘filth.’

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‘Pilots are just heads in a jar’ – Trump attacks American Airlines DEI hires

US President Donald Trump has continued his attack on DEI (Diversity, Equity & Inclusion) policies in the wake of the tragic crash between an American Airlines jet and an army helicopter in Washington DC.

Despite there being no evidence that DEI hires had anything to do with the crash, the White House has turned the hate nozzle to ten and continued to spray grade A effluence.

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Arsenal fans appeal red card to European Court of Justice

Arsenal fans have banded together following Myles Lewis-Skelly’s red card against Wolves at the weekend and appealed to the European Court of Justice to overturn the decision.

The move comes after other avenues such as making unhinged social media posts and sending death threats to the referee responsible, Michael Oliver, proved fruitless.

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“Like having chips and rice with your curry” – regional independent TDs fight back

There were extraordinary scenes in Leinster House yesterday with Dail proceedings suspended several times as four regional TDs who were part of government formation talks, believed they should be allowed form an ‘opposition’ technical group.

Naturally, this drew outrage from the actual opposition. However, the foursome have hit back by releasing individual statements to the media.

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My Struggle: Elon Musk to write bestselling memoir

Billionaire douche nozzle Elon Musk has announced he is to write a bestselling memoir.

The South African haemorrhoid made the announcement at the inauguration of his sock puppet Donald Trump.

The book, titled My Struggle, will take readers on a spell binding journey from Musk’s privileged, diamond mine owning, childhood in Pretoria, to his purchase of Tesla and desecration of the memory of Nikola Tesla, right through to taking charge of and completely obliterating Twitter purely to massage his Jupiterian ego.

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Trump: Oranje Glow a tribute to football great Cruyff

US President Donald Trump has spoken to DTTN ahead of his inauguration, revealing that his perma-orange glow is a tribute to the Dutch football great Johan Cruyff.

   “People ask me where I get my beautiful, year round tan” said Trump. “And I’ve gotta say it’s all thanks to Johan. He was a great player, the best.”

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