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Local Tesla owner reports 150% increase in dirty looks

Fresh from the news that quarter one profits dropped by 71% Tesla have been dealt a further blow as a local driver has reported a 150% increase in dirty looks.

Sage O’Sullivan (38), who has owned a Tesla since 2023, has been left shaken by the dirty looks, which she has been more used to giving out than receiving.

“I’ve always been environmentally conscious,” said O’Sullivan. “I recycle everything, even if the label says it’s not suitable and I’m very active shaming corporations on social media. Tesla seemed the perfect fit for me.”

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Trump declares intention to become Pope, make Vatican 51st state

As the Catholic world mourns the death of Pope Francis an unlikely successor has emerged in the form of US President Donald Trump.

“The Pope has died, so sad,” said The Melon Felon. “That’s why you shouldn’t put sleepy old men in office. The Vatican needs someone young and vital, like me. Doctors say I would be the healthiest Pope to ever live and would look tremendous in a pointy hat.

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Local online troll left bereft after McIlroy Masters win

A local troll was left devastated last night after Rory McIlroy ended his eleven year major drought in dramatic style by winning The Masters in Augusta.

Ray Putter (27), who had spent the last decade posting hateful nonsense on a range of social media platforms under the handle ‘RoryChokzlol’, is now facing an existential crisis with his identity shattered.

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Trump: Hammy the Brain Hamster tells me what to do

US President Donald Trump just can’t stop making headlines, but his latest revelations have shocked even the most jaded observers.

Trump told reporters at The White House that his brain has been replaced by a hamster called ‘Hammy’, who dictates all his actions.

“Many people are in awe of what I’m doing,” said the Melon Felon. “The numbers, the tariffs, are so tremendously good. ‘President Trump, Sir,’ they say, ‘how do you continue to make such amazing decisions?’

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World cowers as Trump discovers how numbers work

The global economy has been left reeling this week after Donald Trump completed his school project of creating random tariff rates for every country he knows the name of, and some he doesn’t.

The US President proudly displayed his tariff board at a White House press conference, with Trump staffers confirming that the Melon Felon cut out all the numbers by himself and didn’t even ask a grown-up help him use the scissors.

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Concerns raised as Irish and American sex offenders meet in White House

Concerns have been raised by international aid organisations as convicted sex offenders met in The White House this St. Patrick’s Day.

The alarm comes as former UFC fighter and sex offender Conor McGregor travelled to Washington to meet former reality TV star and sex offender Donald Trump.

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Regional Independent TDs cause chaos at local wedding


Not content with disrupting Dail proceedings for weeks by wanting to be both government and opposition, the four TDs comprising the Regional Independent Technical Group have now wrought chaos at a local wedding.

Michael Lowry, Barry Heneghan, Danny Healy-Rae and Gillian Toole turned up uninvited to the ceremony and when asked if they were with the bride or groom claimed both and stood four abreast in the middle of the church aisle, blocking the wedding party from passing.

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Rashford and Oliver team up to restore free lunches for Manchester United staff

Marcus Rashford and celebrity chef Jamie Oliver have joined forces in a campaign to restore free lunches for beleaguered Manchester United staff.

Full lunches have reportedly been replaced at Old Trafford by a piece of fruit and at the club’s Carrington training ground by soup and a sandwich as partial owner ‘Brexit’ Jim Ratcliffe continues to cut costs.

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