DownTheTownNews

November 27, 2023November 27, 2023

Careful Now – McEntee and Harris to lead back to basics anti-riot approach

Under fire Minister for Justice Helen McEntee and Garda Commissioner Drew Harris have announced a ‘back to basics’ plan to combat potential future street violence following last Thursday’s Dublin riots.

“We’ve studied other nation’s approaches with body-cams, hi-tech gizmos and adequate policing, but frankly that’s not for us,” said McEntee. “Ireland has a proud history of peaceful non-intervention and we intend to respect that.”

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November 24, 2023November 27, 2023

Far-Right Dublin residents unable to contain excitement for Black Friday

The nation was in shock last night as far-right Dublin residents jumped the gun for Black Friday sales and rioted across the city-centre.

Shops on O’Connell Street and Henry Street, including landmark department store Arnotts, suffered extensive damage and looting as hordes of far-right consumers made off with new runners, TVs and whatever else they could shove up their puffer jackets.

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November 20, 2023November 20, 2023

Premier League to award ten points to Manchester City

The investigation into Financial Fair Play breaches by Manchester City has concluded, with ten points to be awarded to the English champions.

A Premier League spokesperson stated that the points would be awarded effective immediately and apologised for any inconvenience the investigation caused the Abu Dhabi owned club.

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November 17, 2023November 17, 2023

Rwanda horrified as Braverman charters yachts to transport immigrants

Rwandan officials have today reacted with horror to the news that disgraced British Home Secretary Cruella Braverman has chartered a fleet of yachts to transport immigrants to the East African country.

Braverman, whose sociopathy levels have soared after being sacked and seeing her trademark policy ruled as illegal, has gone rogue and is to undertake the 19 day voyage single-handedly.

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November 15, 2023November 20, 2023

Sunak proposes Bake Off solution for Israel-Hamas War

Fresh from his dreams of making Rwanda the ultimate asylum destination experience being dashed, British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has launched another audacious feel-good scheme to delight voters.

“The British public love nothing more than a dreamer,” said Sunak. “No one thought we could make Brexit a success, or make Rwanda work, but we dreamed big and continue to do so.

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March 17, 2023March 17, 2023

Johnny Sexton to become next Late Late Show host

Ireland rugby captain Johnny Sexton is set to succeed Ryan Tubridy as the host of The Late Late Show, DTTN understands.

The surprise appointment is sure to put a few noses out of joint at Montrose, but Sexton appears to be relishing the challenge.

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March 12, 2023March 12, 2023

Opinion: Gary Lineker is out of touch with reality

By Sir Rupert Ramsbottom-Wigglechin III

There’s been a load of balderdash spoken about Gary Lineker and his Match of the Day chums in the past few days, and frankly it’s putting me right off my gin and victuals.

As I’ve said to anyone who’ll listen; the maid, the gardener, the nanny, BBC lifers like Lineker are overpaid, institutionalised, and out of touch with reality. The man wouldn’t know hardship if it hit him with a rolled up copy of The Daily Mail.

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October 6, 2022October 6, 2022

Truss and Kwarteng to appear on Eat Well for Less

UK Prime Minister Liz Truss and Chancellor for the Exchequer Kwasi Kwarteng are to appear on the new series of Eat Well for Less, the BBC has announced.

The show, hosted by Chris Bavin and Jordan Banjo, helps families across the UK save money by examining their grocery spend and cooking from scratch.

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September 18, 2022September 18, 2022

Local woman buys ill-fitting shoes, nearly ruins cousin’s wedding

A local woman was outraged after the shoes she was to wear to her cousin’s wedding did not fit, despite only ordering them two days before the ceremony.

Rosie Strokes was shocked upon the shoe’s arrival to discover they were slightly too tight.

“I mean, I’m a size four, I’ve always been a size four. The online retailer I ordered from should have known this,” said Strokes. “What is going on with their crazy sizings!”

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September 14, 2022September 14, 2022

King Charles battles pen as preparations for Queen’s funeral continue

As the UK continues to mourn Queen Elizabeth II, her successor King Charles III has been growing accustomed to his new role.

Monday brought the good news that Charles would be exempt from inheritance tax on the vast fortune he is being bequeathed. The monarch celebrated by putting staff at his Clarence House residence on notice for redundancy.

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